COLORADO SPRINGS — Quick, somebody get Ben Franklin on the cellphone, and tell him to bring his kite and his key to The Broadmoor.
“The Lord thundered from heaven . . . and he sent out arrows, and scattered them; lightning, and discomfited them.”
Biblical-type lightning has discomfited the U.S. Women’s Open.
The Open was closed again Saturday at 6:19 p.m.
“We are not going to leave The Broadmoor until we play 72 holes and crown a champion,” Ben Kimball, the tournament director, said — rather optimistically — Saturday night.
No one knows when the happy ending will occur.
The forecast for today is more of the same old same old — afternoon thunderstorms and the dreaded lightning — that can produce a hundred million volts of electricity, Ben, and cause death.
Because of what Kimball termed “Groundhog Day” (the movie) conditions — lengthy lightning periods for three consecutive days — the Open winner might finish tonight later than 7 p.m., possibly on hole No. 9 (“could happen,” Kimball said in reply to my questioning about sending players out on both nines in the fourth round), or the tournament might go on until Monday, Tuesday or . . .
“I won’t still be here Wednesday,” a volunteer said. “I have to fly out to visit my daughter.”
There might not be anybody else left by then, except the brown bear spotted on the course.
The 72 remaining participants (after Saturday’s cut) will begin again on No. 1 and No. 10 at 6:45 a.m. today They’ve been here from sunrise into darkness every day.
If lightning strikes again, they’ve got no chance — and the NBC telecast will be gone at 4 p.m., no matter what.
Lost in all the lightning is the thunder created by The Magnificent Miyazatos — Mika and Ai. They are unrelated, but both hail from Okinawa, Japan. Mika is 5-under-par. Ai is 4-under. Only three others are in red.
This Open has been suspended more often than I was in the eighth grade.
According to scientific research, Earth endures 1.6 billion lightning strikes a year. According to my research, 1.58 billion must occur in Colorado Springs.
In 1899, famed inventor-engineer Nikola Tesla brought his laboratory west to North Foote Avenue and Kiowa Street in Colorado Springs (5.25 miles away from the eventual site of The Broadmoor). He wanted to study lightning. He found the perfect place.
Tesla moved away a year later — probably because he couldn’t finish a round of golf.
The pros and amateurs in the 66th U.S. Women’s Open can’t seem to get in 18 holes, or even six or three, before another light show runs everybody off the course.
Here’s how the week has gone. It was 5:22 and the press officer has just announced, for the third time, “Here’s an update. We have no information. We will be back with more information in 30 minutes.” More?
Didn’t the USGA executives check with the people from the old International at Castle Pines? Lightning in this area in July and August is as common as ants at a family picnic. And uncles.
No wonder the Garden of the Gods is close by. The park must be named after Thor and Zeus, the lightning gods.
It is 5:55, and the press officer just said: “Here’s the latest update. There is no information to report.”
Where’s the Quadruple Doppler? The players are developing astraphobia — a fear of lightning.
They can’t get in a rhythm; they can’t warm up when the interruption is over; they can’t hit a shot without wondering if they’re about to get struck, like the priest in “Caddyshack.”
The U.S. Open That Would Never End? No women’s or men’s Open in history has been shortened.
It is 6:21, and the press officer has proclaimed: “Here’s an update. Round three has been called off.”
This predicament is rather sad because the U.S. Open is a special sports event, and the 1960 (men’s) Open was the most special ever. There was no lightning — except for Arnold Palmer — at Cherry Hills . . . in June.
The USGA, The Broadmoor staff and grounds crew, hundreds of volunteers and, of course, the players have worked very hard for months, and years, to get here. The crowds have been large and the golf has been good.
Kimball said a few days ago the USGA wanted, as always, to “challenge the players in all facets of the game, both physically and mentally.”
This was not the challenge he or they anticipated.
Lightning is an unplayable lie.
Woody Paige: 303-954-1095 or wpaige@denverpost.com
