Dear Margo: Nine years ago, I met my husband online and fell in love immediately. I moved 1,300 miles away from my family and missed the last months of my grandpa’s life and also the birth of my nieces and nephew. I’ve had to deal with a lot of drama in his family. My husband got laid off last year, and I quit school and started working. Mine being the only income, I try to save money any way I can, which brings me to the problem.
When I started working, I met my best friend, “Jessica.” We became instant friends and have a ton in common, so we lean on each other a lot. Jessica is a lesbian and has a girlfriend.
Lately, I’ve been having car issues, and I live almost 40 miles from my job. Jessica lives about 10, so I stayed with her one night. One. Now my husband and his family will not let it go. I didn’t do it because I wanted to be away from my husband or because I have some wild lesbian dreams. Now all I hear is that I am turning gay and blah, blah, blah. I’m becoming annoyed to the point where I actually look forward to going to work so I can get away from everyone. I honestly don’t know how much more I can take from them when I have taken so much already. — Just About Had It
Dear Just: What crazy nonsense, and what a bunch of unenlightened people. By their lights, spending the night in the produce department would make you a radish. I would be assertive and say you do not appreciate their lack of information and that your marriage is not a group activity. It sounds like there are too many noses in your business, and I have a hunch this marriage may not survive the test of time, as it were. — Margo, huffily
Sex, Lies, Politics … and Kids
Dear Margo: I am divorcing my husband of several years, and we have young children. A few years ago, he set up an account on a singles website and watched excessive pornography. This prompted us to go to counseling. He downplayed it, saying it was my fault. The counselor’s conclusion was that my husband is a clinically defined narcissist whose needs will always come first. He is also an elected politician, so he revels in his (and my) kids being seen in public for image purposes. He started a romance with a co-worker, so I filed for divorce. What I need to know is whether a narcissist can still be a decent father. My kids’ best interests need to come first. Any resources you might suggest for dealing with narcissists? — Divorcing the Narcissist
Dear Div: Why am I not surprised he’s a politician? Many politicians are narcissists, or they wouldn’t be politicians. As for fathering, I actually know some narcissists who are quite good fathers. Sometimes that is because the children reflect on them, but they can be good dads nonetheless. The “treatment” for this hyper-self-involvement is therapy, although, to be realistic, these people are most often impervious to treatment — in that they usually don’t want it. (For this disturbance, there are no drugs, and some people so afflicted do not even see it as a problem.)
Should dealing with their dad prove hard on the kids — which may not happen — counseling would be useful; kind of a private Al-Anon for children who live with egocentrism. But kids have a way of doing OK despite the flaws of their parents. It is interesting that sex often goes with this disorder. Just recently in politics, we’ve witnessed it with Edwards, Ensign, Weiner, Sanford, Spitzer, Foley and Livingston. Classics, of course, are JFK, Clinton and Gingrich. — Margo, self
-centeredly
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
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