Dear Margo: I’ve been seeing a man for a year and a half — but heaven knows not on a regular basis. Sometimes we will see each other a few days in a row, but then he will disappear for weeks at a time. He tells me he can never predict his schedule because he works as an undercover operative for the CIA. That’s also the reason he gives me for why we never go to his place — because “the agency” doesn’t allow it. This is getting to be pretty hard on me because I can’t make plans, I don’t know where this relationship can go, and I fear I might be wasting my time. (I am 40.) What does all this sound like to you? — Wasting My Time?
Dear Waste: To be frank, it sounds like you are extremely gullible. I again trot out my favorite saying about the wishful acceptance of something highly unlikely: “It is like believing that a dinosaur died standing up in the museum of natural history.”
For one thing, I do not think undercover CIA people are allowed to tell anyone but a spouse what they do or for whom they work. (Often, friends of CIA administrative personnel know what they do.) Having actually known a few spooks myself, the thing about not having people over is simply not true. Often, undercover operatives tell friends their employment is working for the government/Department of Defense/FEMA … anything but the CIA.
And so, my dear, I don’t know if this guy is married, a criminal or just a guy who is not interested in a real relationship, but he is lying to you, and I would bid him adieu soonest. — Margo, stealthily
True or Not, a Novel Way To End Things
Dear Margo: I know that this has occurred since the beginning of time, but why do married men think they have the right to step all over someone’s heart? Granted, it takes two to tango, and the heart wants what it wants, but now I wish we had done things differently. We are both married with families, but were drawn to each other in the beginning in what he said was a spiritual friendship. After a year, we were drawn to each other physically. This went on for the next two years. I thought it would be only a diversion, but now I feel I love this person.
Recently, he informed me that he was asked to be part of an old Native American medicine society that requires pure thoughts and actions. He is serious in fulfilling this obligation, and part of this is giving me up. He admits that two years ago, when our relationship began, he was at a vulnerable point in his life. I feel despair at the turn this has taken. I will miss the closeness we had. He wants to maintain our spiritual friendship. I’m not sure I would like to. A part of me feels anger toward him, and now I feel I was a fool. I would like to get over my anger and be friends, but I still have feelings for him. What do you think I should do? — Heartbroken
Dear Heart: This scenario hasn’t really been taking place since the beginning of time … if only because Eve had no one to step out with. But yes, it is an old story. In your situation, you do not say whether this man is a Native American or a “guest” in this medicine society. It is possible he made up this society mandating purity — but that hardly matters. He wants, for whatever reason, to end the intimacy part. I think in some instances it is not useful to remain “friends.” For you to do so would cause you pain, so let the break be a clean and definitive one. Absence will help your feelings diminish, as will remembering that he wanted it to end. — Margo, reconstructively
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
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