Dear Amy: My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year. My husband passed away three years ago. I have two children, ages 7 and 10, and he has a 5-year-old son.
Last fall, we started getting the kids together more often, attending family functions together, etc. Unfortunately, the children do not like each other.
My daughter has gone so far as to say that she hates my boyfriend’s son. She experiences anxiety when he is around because all of the children fight and argue.
If my son is fighting with my daughter, as siblings do, my boyfriend’s son will jump in and side with my son, which usually involves saying negative things to my daughter.
We have been trying to help the children get along better, but we have not been very successful.
They have been through enough with losing their dad and I don’t want to force them to endure an uncomfortable situation. Also, I have developed somewhat of a “distaste” for my boyfriend’s son.
I don’t feel like we should pursue this relationship, given my negative feelings toward his son and my daughter’s anxiety when the child is around.
Should we press on? Should I discontinue this relationship for the sake of the kids? — Torn
Dear Torn: Everything you do should be for the sake of your family.
This includes demonstrating to your children that they can survive their anxieties, with your positive, consistent and compassionate support.
You and your guy could ease some of the pressure by getting the children together in various combinations to see if they experience some small successes that you can all build upon.
You should try to spend some time with your boyfriend’s son (without your kids present), engaging in a low-key activity. You need to get to know him in an atmosphere where he’s not hyped up and being naughty. He is very young and possibly anxious, unsure and hurting too.
If any of the kids are playing a sport after school, the other children can attend a game — giving them some indirect contact.
Any time they are all together should be structured, inclusive and well-supervised by you and your boyfriend (don’t pull them into crowded, extended family events).
Most important for all of you is for the adults to agree to the parenting basics and for you to be mutually supportive.
You and your kids also would benefit from some family therapy to ease your transition. You’ve all been through a lot.
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Dear Lover: Many readers have suggested these products. Thank you all and thanks for the many cat photos that have crowded my inbox.
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