Dear Amy: My husband of almost 25 years told me that unless I lose a lot of weight by Christmas, he doesn’t think he wants to stay married to me.
I have tried and failed at any number of diet and exercise plans over the years, but this is the first time that he has used our marriage as a threat.
There is a part of me that wants to call his bluff.
I am working with a doctor to lose weight but should I stay with this jerkface or leave him?
Other than my weight, we get along fine and despite it all I still love him. — Weighted Down
Dear Weighted: “I’ll leave you unless you lose a lot of weight by Christmas” might be an effective short-term motivational tool, but (even if you succeeded) this directive wouldn’t begin to address your real weight problem, which is that lump of gristle you affectionately call “jerkface.”
You and your husband are playing out a dynamic where you are actually willing to sabotage your own efforts in order to “call his bluff” and prove your point, enabling you to stay fat while also blaming your dieting failure on his ultimatum. Your weight problem is your responsibility!
The essential reason to diet is to prove to yourself (not anyone else) that you love yourself enough to risk long-term change. Losing the protective layer of extra pounds will make you vulnerable. It will change your life, including your relationship with your husband.
I suggest you concentrate on your health, no matter what your husband chooses to do. The lesson is that you two can’t control each other. Don’t stay fat to prove this point.
Dear Amy: My husband and I have been married for more than 10 years.
I recently found out that he has been having an affair and that they have a daughter together. I am torn about how to deal with this situation. My mind tells me to move on, but my heart tells me to fight for my marriage.
I admit that we have been having problems for several years and I suspected the affair, but I never thought it would come to this.
We have separated and he says he needs time to figure out if he wants to come home.
I have not been the most supportive wife. I feel as though I pushed him into this. He claims that he is taking responsibility for his actions, and he doesn’t seem to regret what happened. He refuses to sit down with me.
I love my husband and I feel as though I want him back, but on the other hand, we were both unhappy in this marriage.
Now I do not know what to do. — Unsure
Dear Unsure: I have news for you. When he had an affair and a child with someone else and then moved out of the home, your husband wrote “Surrender Dorothy” in skywriting across the horizon.
You may want to fight for your marriage now, but it sounds as though it is too late.
You are separated. You should see a lawyer and a counselor during this separation to clarify what you want and what you intend to do next.
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