Dear Amy: My husband desperately wants to be a famous published author. I have been his editor in the past.
I edited his book numerous times before it got “published” online, and now he is writing stories on the Web that he hopes to compile into a novel. He expects me to edit all of these stories.
Being his editor before was awful. Although he fixed what I suggested and I helped him make the writing tighter, he didn’t learn and the same mistakes occurred over and over again. He can’t seem to edit or analyze his own writing.
I pulled back from editing because of my demanding full-time job. I am still expected to read everything he writes, and I struggle.
First, I am confronted by all those mistakes.
Second, I am confronted by his needy questions: “Did you like this?” “Did you like that?” “What did you think about that event?” “Was it good?” It goes on and on.
He has participated in writing groups but left them. He took a writing class, but he had conflicts with the instructor — an award-winning author. He yearns for my approval. He craves my adoring accolades.
And he is driving me nuts.
Advice? — Exhausted Wife
Dear Exhausted: It is important for spouses to know that their partners are on their side. But it is also important for your husband to realize that demanding your praise makes you hostile toward him and his creative projects.
And so you say to him, “I am your biggest fan. But I don’t love every single thing you write.”
Your husband should hire an editor/assistant to help him. His writing would improve if an objective party could give him suggestions and directives. If he hired someone, he might value these suggestions enough to follow them because he would be paying for them.
But we both know he won’t take suggestions. He wants to cut corners without improving his work; he also wants the fame along with the accolades from you. In short, he sounds like every needy, unpublished and eager writer I know.
Some spouses can write and edit together, but with the exception of Virginia and Leonard Woolf, these two roles don’t always mix well. Your adoring accolades will mean nothing if you are not honest. Without honesty, the empty praise will bring on more insecurity.
Talk to him about his work, and expect him to talk with you about yours.
Dear Amy: My husband had an Internet affair with his high- school sweetheart from 40 years ago. He says that it is over, that he loves me but is not in love with me. He moved out to see if he can “rekindle” his love for me. He still wants to see me and “date.”
He isn’t giving me any money for expenses. He owes me money but denies it.
Despite all this, I love him and want to be with him. I’ve been trying to keep things light but my heart is breaking. What should I do? — Hates High School
Dear High School: Moving out is a curious way to rekindle the relationship.
Your husband has left your marital home. He loves you as a person but is not “in love” with you (mind you, he could say the same thing about Betty White).
You and your husband are separated. I suggest you consider making it official. You should see a lawyer to review your (and his) rights and responsibilities.
You should not have to keep things light in order to lure him back. Date him if you must, but protect yourself.
Dear Amy: Love your column. I have a comment about holding on to an old journal or diary. As a teenager I kept my private thoughts in a green leather diary with a key.
Years later I discovered it in pristine condition and eagerly opened it to reveal its contents. Alas, I was taken aback when I realized that I had carefully written it in a code totally unknown to me in my later years.
So much for the memories. — Ann
Dear Ann: You have solved the problem of how to keep an old diary — while also “destroying” its contents.
Neat trick!
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