Dear Amy: I am 32 years old, two years divorced and newly into a serious relationship. My “best” friend from childhood had a baby this week and stole the baby name I have been planning to use since my teens. I am extremely hurt by this.
Her father died last year and she used a combination of his name and her father-in-law’s name (Jonathan Steven), but will call the baby “Johnny.”
I planned to use the name John Steven for my firstborn son, as these are names my family has used since the 1600s. These names come from close relatives I have also loved and lost.
My friend knows that when I have a child I would also call the baby Johnny. When I confronted her about the use of a nickname that was to actually be my child’s name, she dismissed it and claimed she never remembered me saying anything about it.
She said her father was dead and I was divorced and unmarried, so I should move on.
I understand the sensitivity she has about her father, but at the same time I feel hurt that she stole this from me and was callous about it. She is just plain lying when she claims she doesn’t remember that this is supposed to be my baby’s name.
Our families are close and we share lifelong mutual friends, so it’s not as if I can still use the name I planned.
Why couldn’t she use another nickname? I feel as if this is the final nail in the coffin of our friendship.
Don’t I have the right to be upset? — No-Name
Dear No-Name: You do not own various names or combination of names, and so you cannot claim to be a victim of name theft.
Even if you felt you had some proprietary interest in this combination of names because they had been in your family, these names are also in her family, and, I must point out, in a lot of other families. Each of these names (and this combination of names) is common. Also, the first names in question are not actually the same.
You can choose what to be upset about. You can also choose what to call your child, if and when you have one.
So if you still love this combination of names when you have a baby, then I suggest you steal them right back from your friend.
Dear Amy: I have a co-worker who gives things she has had lying around her house as presents.
My birthday was last week, and she wrapped up an ancient/dusty basket that she filled with items she obviously had found discarded in her house. The basket was filled with a collection of old, used and stained items that I literally threw into the garbage.
I’m at a loss for words about what to think of this person and this behavior. I sincerely wish she would give me nothing.
Please don’t tell me that maybe that’s all she can afford, because as far as I can tell, money is not an issue for her.
When her birthday arrives, I’m tempted to also give her old household items from my home, but I can’t bring myself to do that, so what do you suggest? — Grossed Out
Dear Grossed Out: When your colleague’s birthday comes, give her a card. You can hope that she will “retaliate” and also give you a card next year.
If the subject comes up, simply tell her that you’d prefer to not exchange gifts.
Dear Amy: “Concerned Bridesmaid” wrote that she was worried about the presence of an unpredictable and alcoholic aunt at her sister’s wedding.
At my sister’s wedding, she dealt with our father and a dear family friend in a most tasteful way. She had given my father and this “uncle” each a red rose to wear on his lapel, as a sign of distinction as an important person.
But it also served as a sign for the bartenders to serve them very weak drinks. No one but she and the bartenders knew about this, and the day was flawless! — Impressed
Dear Impressed: I like the idea of enlisting the bartenders to help. Thank you.
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