Dear Amy: I am about to take a job at a prestigious professional services firm. My boss makes everyone stay at his house in a city out of state for regional group meetings a few times a year.
We have to stay in his house, in his daughter’s room, in the spare rooms, etc.
I think this is wrong, and it is not something I want to do. However, now I feel like I have to do this; everyone else has been doing it for years.
I could get a hotel, but it will make me seem like I am not part of the team.
I worry about privacy, about feeling awkward and about my own natural tendency not to be myself when I stay at other people’s houses. What should I do? — Home Alone
Dear Alone: I could imagine a circumstance in which this would be a fairly benign situation, but I shared your letter with John Challenger, CEO of Challenger, Gray and Christmas, a human resources consulting firm, whose reaction was unequivocal:
“This might have been thought appropriate in another era, but it is not appropriate now. Even giving it the benefit of the doubt, I can’t see many situations where this would be OK. The boundaries are not right.”
The tougher call is how you should react to this.
Mr. Challenger and I agree that because you feel uncomfortable, you should approach the person who organized this junket and say: “I’m so excited about coming to work here and I know I can make great contributions to the team, but I would prefer for an out-of-town event at night to have my own hotel room. Would this be possible?”
He adds, “There is some risk to this that things might not work out at this company, but if this is so embedded in their culture, you might not want to work there anyway.”
Dear Amy: Most of my friends who are about my age (mid-80s) have the same problem: Every holiday season we receive gifts we neither need nor want.
I would be tickled if instead my friends and family would make a contribution to an animal-rights organization.
This is what I really want for Christmas this year, but I don’t know how to tell people.
Any ideas? — Gifted Out
Dear Gifted: Speak honestly about your desire to channel gifts toward your favorite cause this Christmas.
Put the word out: “I’m downsizing now and am hoping you’ll accept a suggestion if you want to give a Christmas gift this year. Instead of our usual gift exchange it would make me so happy if you would consider giving a gift to my favorite cause this year. I’d like to do the same for you.”
Readers can search for worthy causes and research organizations in their areas of interest through various websites; I use .
Dear Amy: Why not give forgiveness as your present to yourself and others for the holiday season? Exchange amends — the one gift that costs nothing and benefits both the giver and the receiver. — Igor and Elizabeth
Dear Igor And Elizabeth: As we enter this holiday season, it’s important to remember what it is really supposed to be about. Thank you!
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