Dear Amy: My elderly mother, a widow, is fairly independent and lives about two hours away. I am married and have a child.
My mother has always been a negative, critical, judgmental and controlling person toward me, but she genuinely loves my husband and our child.
Recently while caring for her after some outpatient surgery, she blew up at me (again), screaming and ranting about how I haven’t lived up to her expectations (she is an extreme perfectionist).
It has always been this way, but I finally lost my patience with this treatment and decided to distance myself from her. No more daily phone calls to check in — and I’d like not to visit any time soon.
My husband has started making occasional phone calls to her to check in, and I think that’s very sweet.
How am I supposed to handle holidays? We always get together.
The last time she blew up at me, I told her that her constant criticism is unacceptable. She screamed that she never wants to visit our home again — I assume because I stood up to her.
My husband understands my predicament but says I need to bite the bullet because I’m all she has — and at least she is kind toward him and our child.
What should I do? — Worried
Dear Worried: Now that you are detaching more from your mother, you may find her more tolerable because you know you have an escape hatch.
Even though neither your husband nor I should decide this for you, my view is that you should visit for Christmas, keeping in mind that you have drawn a boundary and intend to maintain it.
Visiting her also gives you an option to leave on your own terms.
If your mother abuses you — or if she attempts to manipulate your husband or child to be a vessel for her criticism of you, then it’s time to get your coats.
I agree that her kindness toward your husband and child is a good thing, but it is also potentially another way for her to make you feel bad about your own relationship.
Don’t give her the power. You will learn more about this dynamic by reading “Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life” by Susan Forward (2002, Bantam).
Dear Amy: “All the Chores” wrote about the traditional sharing of chores in a household — with the men doing outside chores and the women inside.
There are those of us who have always done what was needed, when it needed to be done.
In 42 years of marriage, I did most of the yard work/lawn mowing. My husband did the majority of the car maintenance. We both painted our 21/2-story house (I was better at the trim). I always painted the inside, and I taped and plastered the sheet rock too.
I helped “bleed” brakes on our cars and can change the oil (but prefer to pay to have it done).
My husband has been gone for 31/2 years now and while I miss him, he helped make me the capable person I am.
Sometimes sharing isn’t “equal.” It’s just sharing. — Capable
Dear Capable: I watched my mother do many of the things you mention — and only wish I had a fraction of your skills.
Thank you for sharing your story.
Dear Amy: You ran a letter from “Curious,” who had asked her husband of 20 years to divulge the details of his first sexual encounter.
Curious’ question was prompted by some platonic male friends who had told her about their “first time.”
How on earth does a happily married woman end up in discussions like this?
I was no angel before I got married but now, if a “platonic” friend started discussing his sexual past with me, I would stop the conversation out of respect for my husband.
These sexually charged discussions with other men will certainly lead to more drama than dredging up her husband’s past.
Don’t go there, Curious. — JSC
Dear Jsc: I didn’t feel comfortable attempting to censure the conversational choices of “Curious,” but I completely agree with you that this is a topic that is likely to lead to trouble. And it did.
Send questions via e-mail to askamy@tribune.com or write to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.
