Dear Amy: A recent death in my family has left me feeling hopeless. I’m stuck in the denial and anger phases of grief, with no hope of moving forward.
I know you’ll suggest professional help but I don’t want to pour my heart out to strangers. And don’t recommend that I see my family doctor — he’s the one I’m most angry with for not doing more.
I was fired from my last job and that’s OK because I hated it anyway. I was able to care for my loved one full time. I just turned 56 and have a small financial settlement that is sufficient to get by on.
I have a good support system of friends and neighbors, but they’re getting sick of me talking about this death. I just can’t get over it.
Family support is nonexistent. Where do I go from here? — Grieving in Silence
Dear Grieving: Grief can be overwhelming. The first step toward feeling better is to make a choice to at least try.
I agree with your instinct that unloading your sadness and anger onto your friends and neighbors can adversely affect those relationships.
Grief is an interior heartache, but grieving people often feel better through talking and listening to others who have also experienced loss.
You need to air your grief in a place where you will be listened to and understood and in a context where you won’t be judged. For instance, the anger that accompanies your grief is strange, overwhelming and surprising — but not uncommon.
Your local hospice should offer regular grief groups. Tell yourself you are going to learn through listening and that there is no right or wrong way to feel grief. Check your local listings and with your hospital for a grief group you can join.
Here are some things that have helped me: exercise, writing in a journal, talking with people who have also experienced loss and grief, reading about grief. A book I have found extremely helpful is “The Orphaned Adult: Understanding and Coping with Grief and Change After the Death of Our Parents,” by Alexander Levy (Da Capo Press, 2000).
Dear Amy: My sister recently had a baby shower. A very close friend could not attend the party because of a previously scheduled business trip; my sister understood this.
Her friend sent a nice card with a handwritten note and a check for $500, with the mention that the money could be used for anything the baby may need, or it could be put away into a bank account or college fund for the child — whatever my sister and her husband decided.
Afterward my sister told me she was offended by this. She thought it was rude to just send money and a card. I told her it was extremely generous. She insists that it was in poor taste and is upset.
Who is right? Is it wrong to send a monetary gift to a baby shower (or bridal shower)? Does this apply to gift cards, too? — Wondering Sister
Dear Wondering: A person would have to work pretty hard to be offended by such an open-ended and generous gift.
However, writing a check seems impersonal (certainly to a sensitive mom-to-be). The friend could have invested this amount in a savings fund for the child or in a good or service to benefit the family, such as regular cleaning or cooking.
A gift card instead of cash might have seemed slightly more thought-out. However, none of this is an excuse for ingratitude.
Dear Amy: Thank you for your response to “Upset Grandmother,” who wanted to penalize her teenage grandson at Christmastime.
That letter brought back memories. Many years ago, I was that angry teen — acting out because I was upset and confused over my parents’ divorce. I hope this grandmother accepts your idea to give the gift of forgiveness this year.
Thank goodness, my family seemed to understand and forgive me. All these years later, I am so grateful. — Formerly Upset Teen
Dear Former Teen: This is a nice testimony to the power of forgiveness. Thank you.
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