Dear Amy: I attended a very religious university where 50 percent of the student body is married before they graduate.
I succumbed to the societal pressure and got married during my senior year.
Now, at 22, I have been married for 11 months and am very unhappy.
I no longer have any personal friends, and every dollar I earn is disappearing to pay for his graduate school.
My husband is a wonderful person, we do not fight and have similar interests, but I married him after knowing him for only six months and do not love him.
I want to be independent and have my own life where I can concentrate on my own career and social life.
I desperately want a divorce. I want to end this marriage before any children or property complicates it, but I am so scared of the shame and reactions from our conservative families.
I keep thinking that I should simply “run away” and cut off all contact from my family and his, so all the blame for the separation can be put on me, but I know that is not the mature solution.
My whole life I have been afraid to step on the toes of my conservative family and peers.
I don’t see their religion to be rational, so why should I be rational now? — Wannabe Runaway
Dear Wannabe: Because this is a persistent fantasy for you, you should put the concept of running away in your back pocket, as something you would do only after you’ve tried everything else (including trying to make your marriage work).
Choose to behave with integrity.
Don’t blame your husband, whom you describe as a wonderful person. Well, if he is wonderful, then allow him to be wonderful to you by discussing this issue honestly.
You should explore this carefully. Seek out the counsel of someone who is older, wiser, understanding, supportive and sympathetic.
See family pressure for what it is — an expression of desperation on the part of people who cannot ultimately live your life for you.
Dear Amy: I am a 23-year-old woman.
Recently, I found out that one of my co-workers is going out with a guy I dated during two separate periods. He cheated on me both times.
I am friends with this co-worker outside of work and felt it was best to tell her about his cheating.
She confronted him about the cheating, and he denied it, of course.
She now insists on staying with him, and it’s killing me.
He doesn’t deserve to be happy.
Is it abnormal to still feel bitter toward him? — Jackie
Dear Jackie: It is not at all abnormal to feel bitter toward someone who cheated on you twice.
Don’t let the bitterness take over, though — because then the bad guy wins.
Cheaters aren’t happy — at least not for long. Cheaters are chasing happiness, and they never find it for long.
Dear Amy: “Concerned Fan” was worried about two young brothers hearing foul language from nearby men at the hockey game.
You said she should explain to the boys that “what happens in hockey stays in hockey.”
My initial amusement gave way to the realization that, no, it doesn’t stay in hockey, any more than what happens in Vegas actually stays in Vegas. Or, to offer an extreme example, what happens in Afghanistan stays in Afghanistan.
What happens in hockey, in Vegas or in a war zone stays with the person it happens to, and goes back home or to work, or innumerable other places and relationships, along with that person.
I’m a dad and a social worker, and I believe that things we experience have an impact on us, and we can’t simply store them in a private place in our minds/lives like a secret souvenir that we keep in the back of a drawer.
“What happens in — blank — stays in — blank” is simply not true. — Dad
Dear Dad: I appreciate your point of view, but I also believe it is important to impart to children that they may see adults behaving in ways they should not imitate. I don’t see this as a “secret souvenir,” as much as a lesson in context.
Send questions via e-mail to askamy@tribune.com or write to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.
