Two days after Christmas, in the parking lot of a McDonald’s in Parker, Donna Marie Royer went out to her car while her young daughters waited inside with a friend. Royer’s ex-husband drove up, then shot and killed her.
Mark Royer, who reportedly had become increasingly violent in prior months, killed himself a short time later.
In April, Donna Marie Royer had filed a request for a protective order against her ex-husband in Douglas County District Court after alleging threatening behavior, records show. However, she withdrew her request for a restraining order the same day.
The tragedy was eerily reminiscent of the story of Pamela Guenther. On March 1, 1987, in the parking lot of a restaurant in Adams County after she had dinner with her children and her boyfriend, Pamela’s ex-husband drove up, then shot and killed her. David Guenther had a long trail of court paperwork showing that he was becoming increasingly lethal.
I learned her story from other women in a local safehouse — told in hushed whispers — when I went there a year later, in 1988, after fleeing from my own husband. Many of those women told me that they would probably go back to their partners. After all, they reasoned, look what happened to Pamela — and she did everything the experts had told her to do to protect herself and her children.
A few nights later, someone drove on to the porch of the safehouse on a motorcycle and revved the engine for 10 minutes. We huddled in terror, not knowing what to do, afraid that calling the police would not help the situation and could draw unwanted attention to the location of the safehouse.
It could have been one of my husband’s bikes. He worked in a field that might have given him access to the safehouse address. So I left the next morning, not sure where to go but not wanting to place others in danger.
Years later, I found the courage to go public with the story of my bad marriage. It was written up in O, The Oprah Magazine (“She’s Come Undone, “September 2004).
Since then, I have been called upon to do volunteer work and speak to groups about domestic violence. I will continue to do so for as long as I can — just in case anyone is listening.
But I wonder if even one person left a violent relationship because of anything I have said. I know that some young women with whom I am close are still in abusive relationships; they explain how their situation is “different” than my own. But I fear for their safety. Has anything really changed in the last 20 years?
While the U.S. Department of Justice states that violence between intimates is declining, it is clear that it is not. “The problem with statistics,” says Paula Hammond, executive director of Project Safeguard, “is that everyone who compiles them uses a different standard for the definition of ‘intimate partner.’ ” In addition, different states list different criteria for what constitutes domestic violence. Colorado statutes are more inclusive than most, listing aggravated assault, forcible sex offenses, homicide, intimidation, kidnaping, robbery and simple assault.
Society allows violence
The truly frightening thing about the Department of Justice statistics is that victims as young as 12 are counted. Many pre-teens are considered victims of bullying, rather than of domestic violence. But there is a connection; it’s all a form of bullying. Hammond noted that “No one has the right to put their hands on another person. When it happens, there should be an early intervention.”
Some experts are wasting time searching for the cause of domestic violence. Why do bullies and abusers continue their behavior? There may be a simple explanation: because they can. Society allows it. An online search for articles about domestic violence garners a long list. The stories send a clear message to victims: Most perpetrators are only caught and jailed when a victim has been injured, maimed or killed.
Those reports imply that there is no escape.
We can change that. We look to restraining orders for protection, but they are not enough. “There are cracks in the system, and it can fail,” said Angela Hale, spokeswoman for the National Domestic Violence Hotline. “Restraining orders should be considered as only part of what we do to protect the victim. It’s important to keep a record that can be used by the police, prosecutors and the courts.”
Hale described programs to educate police, prosecutors, judges and legislators on how to better help victims of domestic violence. “Constant analysis is needed to improve the system,” she said. “It takes a community working together to make the changes needed to improve the law.”
There are those who blame the victim. In my own journey, I burned through therapists who claimed that my husband wouldn’t have been unhappy with me had I been thinner, prettier, not so well-educated. I spent years trying to figure out what I did to trigger such rage in someone who was supposed to love me.
I asked male friends for their perspective. One told me that he didn’t want to hear any negative rants about men. Another said that he was sorry that I was experiencing that, then turned away. Both remained friends with my husband.
But a friend I had known since high school showed me that I did not deserve that treatment. He was there to listen and to tell me that what was happening was not my fault. He encouraged me to leave, but did not disparage me when I couldn’t. He hid me while I took the bar exam. He offered me assistance to move away from my abuser. And when I finally did leave, he and his fiancée reassured and strengthened me.
I want to find more people like that in the world. They are the ones who cause change.
We must recognize the signs of domestic violence earlier and talk to our kids when they are younger. They need to understand that they cannot harm others, and that they have a right not to be harmed. We must start talking to our children in middle school about what makes a healthy friendship or relationship.
We must teach them to tell us when there is a problem. There’s no shame in being a victim. It doesn’t mean that they have done anything wrong. The shame is when society does not support the victim in becoming a survivor, and then a victor. The shame should be in continuing to allow bullying and battering.
Obviously, things have not changed enough in the past 20 years, but we can improve the system. We must improve it.
Lives depend on it.
Jo Ann Viola Salazar of Durango (joann.salazar@gmail.com) blogs at The2TrailerMarriage.
By the numbers
* The Colorado Bureau of Investigation reported 12,922 victims of family violence — which includes crimes against intimate partners — in the state in 2010, an increase of almost 63 percent in the past 10 years.
* The U.S. Department of Justice/National Domestic Violence Fatality Review Initiative reports that that between 1,000 and 1,600 women are murdered in acts of domestic violence each year in the U.S.
* If you need help, the National Domestic Violence Hotline can refer you to local safe houses and services at 800-799-7233.
