Dear Amy: My husband has been having an affair with a married woman with whom he works.
I have just discovered that he also is involved with her in a business investment.
He says they are doing nothing wrong, but the affair has been one cover-up after another.
His secretary has helped maintain this secret.
I am tempted to contact the husband of the affair partner.
Is this ever OK? Is this ethical? — Wounded Wife
Dear Wife: Telling this husband that his wife is sleeping with a random co-worker falls into the general category of “none of your business.” But when that co-worker is your husband, it is very much your business.
Judging from the contents of my mailbag, roughly 67 percent of the time, spouses learn of an extramarital affair directly from the spouse of the affair partner. In fact, the mere thought of a vengeful/angry/sad spouse spilling the beans actually prevents affairs roughly 17 percent of the time.
OK, I made up these statistics, but you get my drift.
If you know without a shadow of a doubt that this is happening, then to withhold this news means that you would be keeping your husband’s secret. And what is your motivation for doing that?
The truth is the truth, and cheating spouses don’t traffic in truth — until they are forced to.
You have some decisions to make. Telling the truth is always a good place to start (though you should pre-emptively speak to a lawyer).
Dear Amy: Every year I give my hairdresser a gift.
She also receives gifts from other clients.
Her thank-you to her clients consists of a few words written on a Post-it note taped to her mirror, thanking us all as a group.
She seldom thanks anyone individually or face to face.
Am I expecting too much to have a thank-you directed just to me? Perhaps my gift should be a gift to the entire staff of the salon?
— Lee
Dear Lee: Presumably your gift to your hairdresser was a holiday acknowledgment and a thank-you for a year of good service.
You are not expecting too much to have your hairdresser thank you personally for your gift. Your reaction to this is exactly why your hairdresser should thank you — preferably by note, phone call or personal e-mail.
Thanking you personally in the salon might not be a good idea if done in front of other clients.
If she had thanked you well, you would acknowledge this — consciously or unconsciously — by recommending her to other people.
Dear Amy: You’ve asked readers to share their “second chance” stories. Here’s mine:
I was raised in a high-control religion that teaches that the world is going to end any day now. As a result, I didn’t go to college after high school, despite graduating with a 4.0.
My parents hadn’t saved any money for college and wouldn’t let me live with them if I did go.
In my late 20s I got the chance to start college, and I grabbed it. I’ll be graduating this May at age 34. — Proud
Dear Proud: Congratulations for grabbing your second chance. Good for you!
Write to askamy@tribune.com or Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.
