Dear Margo: I had a best friend (of 20 years), and we used to gab on the phone every day during high school and college. We maintained a good degree of communication for a few years after graduation.
Two years ago, he was promoted and things suddenly stopped. He didn’t answer messages and very rarely sent them himself. I asked him what was going on, and he said he was just busy. To my knowledge, he works a standard 9 to 5 job. I work seven to eight hours a day, myself, plus two hours of commuting, and I still have time to do many things, including recreation, calling friends and helping out relatives. While his job may be more taxing (he’s a financial planner), my job is not a cakewalk, either (I do research). My impression is that he simply doesn’t have time for his old best friend.
I ask myself frequently whether I am just being paranoid or insecure, but a few things seem to confirm that I am not. For example, on the rare occasions when he’s out with us (old friends), he frequently checks his messages on his handheld. Once, when he ran into a few of his new friends, he actually cut short our get-together so he could hang with them. I got fed up, and seven months ago I deleted him from my contacts and stopped messaging him.
Now, just a couple of hours ago, he sent me a “Hi, how are things?” message. Since I wasn’t happy with the way he treated me after being best buddies for 20 years, I took that opportunity to express what I felt. I basically told him it was rude and arrogant to ignore messages and invitations, and that I didn’t really buy his “I am busy” excuse. He fired back saying he wouldn’t attempt to change my mind, and that this was an indication that our friendship must have been fragile to begin with.
What I want to confirm is whether or not I overstepped in my confrontation with him. — Disappointed
Dear Dis: I don’t think you overstepped by saying what you felt, because a drastic change in a longtime friendship almost demands a discussion. It seems clear, however, that he has, as they say, moved on. Some friendships are outgrown, and others endure. I would hardly consider a best buddy friendship for 20 years “fragile,” so ignore that. But do accept that he’s changed, and whether it’s for the worse is not really relevant. (And he sounds like a bit of a climber.) These things happen. Onward. — Margo, forwardly
90 Minutes Is No Deal Breaker
Dear Margo: I have “officially” been dating a great guy for a month. We get along really well, and this could be it! The fly in the ointment is that he got a job that caused him to move an hour and a half away. Things were moving along well and smoothly because we were geographically within spitting distance of each other. How do we make this work? — Down in the Dumps
Dear Down: Either of you have a car? An hour-and-a-half commute isn’t an out-of-this-world trek. Maybe you could alternate weekends. Where there’s a will there’s a way … or a highway, train or bus. (Trains and buses, by the way, offer a great chance to read.) And there are people, believe it or not, who keep a romance going at greater distances than you have to deal with. Good luck. — Margo, transportably
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via the online form at . Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
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