Dear Amy: I have a 4-year-old son. His mother and I have lived apart for the past 18 months. He spends time equally between the two of us.
For the past few months, he has demonstrated a strong preference for me over his mother. For example, at times when I drop him off at their home he throws a huge fit, wanting to come home with me. He has also begun saying that he doesn’t love his mom — he only loves Dad.
He has even thrown a fit when she picks him up from day care, saying he wants Dad to pick him up or that he wants to go to Daddy’s house.
I have tried talking to him but it’s not easy to explain that he can love both Mom and Dad when he’s so young. I never speak ill of her to him and I even tell him how much Mommy loves him but his response is always, “I love Dad.”
I don’t think I am doing anything to promote his behavior. Any ideas on what would cause him to act/think this way — or how I can alter it?
I know it’s upsetting for his mom to hear this and I hoped maybe it was just a phase, but it seems that it’s progressing? — Concerned Dad
Dear Dad: Let’s stipulate that there are no serious issues in the mother’s home.
If that is true, then I would say that yes, you might be unwittingly promoting this behavior when you respond to a tantrum by talking with him about whom he loves.
It’s possible that this is not about his mom. He might be working extra hard to ingratiate himself to you because he’s afraid you’ll drift away. He needs to know that you are always going to be right where he left you. Reassure him.
The way to help him make transitions is to give him the most stable, predictable and calm environment and to encourage him to try to behave appropriately.
You and his mother should develop a strategy for dealing with this consistently.
When he freaks out, calmly comfort and reassure him.
Dear Amy: I have a son in his mid-30s who was conceived through in vitro fertilization because I was unable to have any more children when his mom and I decided to start a family.
The sperm was provided by an anonymous donor. We chose to keep that secret from my son for obvious reasons.
Now, 30 years later, my now ex-wife decided, in a fit of anger against me, to tell him that I wasn’t his “real” father (she is jealous of how close he and I are). Someone who witnessed this conversation told me about it. My ex did not elaborate or supply him with any details.
He has yet to confront me. How am I supposed to respond if he asks? Should I bring it up if he acts odd or indifferent toward me? Looking back, were we wrong to keep this information from him? — Perplexed
Dear Perplexed: You should stop acting ashamed of yourself and tell your son the whole truth. Aside from keeping this a secret for so long, you have done nothing wrong. You are his “real” father, no matter what the biological issue.
More than 3 million babies have been born through IVF since the 1970s. Your son is in very good company.
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