Dear Amy: I have been divorced for almost two years. My husband went through a midlife crisis after 27 years of marriage, took a new job 2,000 miles away without discussing it with me, told me he didn’t love me anymore and basically shut me out of his life.
I tried through counseling and in every way I could to stay married, but after 3 1/2 years, I finally divorced him. At this point, he has been gone for almost six years. He does not come into town often.
We have three children who are in their 20s. My ex was a good father when the kids were young. My kids now see him one or two times a year for a few days at a time. They talk to him occasionally on the phone.
The kids know that he left and know he didn’t treat me well. They know he pretty much abandoned them and rarely visits them now. But they don’t act angry toward him!
My daughter just told me that she asked him to go with her on a short cruise because she hasn’t seen him in a while. But he hasn’t even tried to see her!
I don’t understand why they seek him out when he has not done anything to deserve it. I am here for them always and am close to them all — and it makes me so mad that he has gotten away with being an absentee father.
Can you help me to understand why my adult children are so forgiving of him? — Angry
Dear Angry: The fact that your kids are kind and forgiving is a testament to all of you.
However, it is a strange fact of human nature that people have a tendency to fall all over themselves trying to reach and please someone who is elusive.
You are not elusive. The trick for you is to be involved enough in their lives to satisfy you — but not so involved that you feel taken advantage of.
Your kids’ feelings are probably complicated and will change over time. You may think your ex is not facing the consequences of being a jerk — but remember that at the end of the day he is stuck with himself.
Dear Amy: I have enjoyed a very good friendship with “Christie,” the mother of my daughter’s classmate, for more than seven years.
Our daughters are in the same grade and share many of the same classes. My friend and I talk almost every day and share just about everything that happens in our lives.
This year, both of our daughters have been having some difficulty with schoolwork. At the end of each week my friend wants to discuss our kids’ grades in detail.
I get so irritated. Most of the time my daughter does very well, but I never mention it because I think it’s boastful.
Should I sit down and have a talk with my friend about this or do I need to grow a thicker skin? — Bothered
Dear Bothered: You don’t have to “sit down and have a talk” with your friend. You simply have to say, “Sharing their grades seems sort of ‘elementary school’ to me. I’m starting to think this is more their business than ours. Can we avoid this?”
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