Dear Amy: My husband was just diagnosed with cancer and has been referred to an out-of-town surgeon for treatment. My brother lives nearby and has offered to go with us for my husband’s treatment.
I’m not close to my brother and don’t want to have him hanging around, but sickness gets his attention like nothing else.
He had a distant relationship with our parents, and only swooped in to play Florence Nightingale when they were each dying.
I’m not sure how to make it clear to him that I don’t need or want his help without offending him — and he’s easily offended. — Sick-of-it Sister
Dear Sister:First, you should try to objectively consider whether your brother might in fact be useful to you. After all, the best time to have a “Florence Nightingale” around is when you need the nursing.
Despite your brother’s sensitivities and your bitterness toward him, your husband is the person who should make his wishes known and you should follow his lead.
If you don’t want your brother around at this time and if you husband doesn’t want or need the help, then you should tell him: “Thank you but we’re covered. I’ll let you know if I need anything.”
If your brother presses his case, then you should ask him to please step back and give you space.
If this offends him, then so be it. If he is offended he might give you a wide berth, which is what you’ve wanted all along.
Dear Amy: After a major car accident, I’m finally able to re-enter the job market.
I was brought up to practice respect and politeness. Years in the military have reinforced that practice of addressing people as “sir” and “ma’am.”
Specifically, my conditioned response when meeting and speaking to a new female acquaintance is to respectfully use the term “ma’am.”
Yet many times when I chat with younger adults, a number of the women don’t seem to like the term “ma’am” and some consider it disrespectful or insulting.
So in my job searches, is there another respectful moniker you might suggest?— Wisconsin Guy
Dear Wisconsin:Your respectful attitude is commendable, but you must consider that when you are calling a much younger person “ma’am” or “sir,” outside of the military, it can come off as pretentious or as if you are sucking up.
In short, it can have exactly the opposite effect of the one you intend.
The idea when you meet someone for the first time is for the initial greeting to be unremarkable enough that you quickly move on to the business at hand, which is to quietly dazzle someone for all the right reasons.
When you are called into an office to meet someone for the first time in a professional context, you should say, “Mr. (or Ms.) Brown, I’m Wisconsin Guy. Thank you for seeing me today.”
They may quickly ask you or otherwise telegraph that they would like to be called by their first name.
However, if you call someone “ma’am” she should not act insulted. She should simply say, “Please, call me Diane.”
And then you should.
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