Dear Amy: I’ve been married for almost 40 years. During that time, my husband and I have had a mutually supportive relationship in which we have relied on, listened to and basically agreed with each other.
For almost the entirety of our marriage, my husband has not been interested in having a sexual relationship with me. He has had various excuses at various times.
We, he and I, have seen therapists throughout the length of our marriage. I have fooled myself that “some day” things would change.
Now he says I should accept him for who he is — someone not interested in sex — and we have agreed that there is no future for a sexual relationship between us. He doesn’t see that he has rejected me.
This closing of the door — nothing has changed physically — has me very upset. I don’t want to go on with life as usual. Nor do I want to end the marriage.
I go to sleep every night and wake up every morning thinking, “Another day of rejection.”
I don’t know what to do. — Distraught Wife
Dear Distraught: I can understand the grief you feel, but you must also realize that this is not a personal rejection of you. Your husband is not rejecting you sexually in favor of someone or something else.
Unless your husband is homosexual, he is asexual (at least, that’s how I read your letter). It is sex — not you — he is rejecting. From what you report, it sounds as if he has tried to change and you have hoped for change — but it hasn’t happened.
As you go through the process of grieving this loss, you should also honestly and openly explore the possibilities for your own sexual life moving forward, given the boundaries of your own ethics and your marital connection with your husband.
He has been honest with you about his sexual needs, and you should be honest with him. Once again, a counselor could help you have this conversation.
Dear Amy: My neighbor asked my husband if I would give his daughter “Tiffany” a ride to school. Both he and his wife work. We have a daughter who goes to the same school as Tiffany. For the past five months, I have given Tiffany a ride to school every day.
Her parents haven’t even bothered to thank me. I don’t mind driving but would like some help with gas money. My husband doesn’t think that asking for money is appropriate.
He says that I’m driving our daughter anyway, and to give this child a lift is not really out of my way.
I don’t mind helping them out once in a while, but if I have to do that every day, they should give me gas money.
What do you think? — Daily Driver
Dear Driver: When parents carpool, generally they share the driving, the responsibility and the expense. In your case there is no sharing.
What concerns me more than this, however, is why your husband is committing you to something without asking you first. This should be up to you — as should negotiating a fair exchange.
The school year is almost over. But if this comes up again, you should suggest a fair and reasonable compensation.
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