It’s time for a sit-down. There’s been a lifetime of arguments about the following 25 items, and I can’t take it anymore. I’m settling them all. This is it. No further discussion.
1: Mounds vs. Almond Joy: Almond Joy without question. Milk chocolate and coconut tastes better than dark chocolate and coconut. You don’t want the almond, feed it to a squirrel.
2: Boxers or briefs: I’m splitting this one: Boxer briefs, but not the cotton kind. Get the nylon dominated weave. Keeps the netherland regions dry and airy.
3: Toilet paper: Up and over or underneath?: Up and over, obviously, though “not on the toilet paper holder’ is actually best.
4: Tastes great or less filling: Tastes great without question. You could always boot and rally if you’re too filled up. (NOTE: Please do not “boot and rally.’ Don’t even say it. You’ll sound like an idiot.)
5: Ginger vs. Mary Ann: Mary Ann, all day long.
6: Boobs vs butts: I’m firmly on team tush. Firmly.
7: Van Halen vs. Van Hagar: Van Halen, obviously, but “5150′ is the best summer album ever.
8: Coke or Pepsi: Pepsi is for people who like their soda sweet without a kick, Coke is for people who are more refined, smarter and better looking.
9: The Rolling Stones or The Beatles: The Rolling Stones, because rock n’ roll beats pop every time.
10: Mary Kate or Ashley: I’ve got news for you: Their sister Elizabeth is better looking and more talented.
11: Dogs or cats: Like asking “would you rather breathe oxygen or mustard gas?’ Dogs, dogs, dogs, a thousand times dogs. The only time the answer would be “cat’ is if dogs never existed.
12: Nacho vs Cool Ranch Doritos: Just take your Cool Ranch and leave the room. You smell like ripe mayonnaise.
13: Hot dogs vs. hamburgers: Depends on topping selection. Minimal topping selection, hamburger. The works? Hot dogs.
14: “The Godfather’ vs. “Goodfellas’: “Goodfellas.’ Not only does it trump “The Godfather,’ but it’s the best movie ever made, period.
15: Tom Brady vs. Peyton Manning: Joe Montana.
16: Wine vs. liquor: Come on. Just the sound of “bourbon rocks’ – both saying it out loud and the actual sound the ice makes in the glass – make this a no-brainer.
17: Team Jacob vs. Team Edward: Whatever. But that Kristen Stewart is a cutie.
18: Edelstein or Twain: Twain, but the day is young.
19: Egg roll vs. wonton soup: You have to get both, every time. Worth the $1.50.
20: Paper or plastic: Plastic. So much easier to handle. And if you’re worried about the environment, just burn the bags when you’re done. (THIS JUST IN: Burning plastic bags is also bad for the environment.)
21: Coffee or tea: I want to go with tea, but coffee just works better.
22: Gravy vs. sauce: I’ve written extensively about this, and the answer is simple: If meat is used in the process, it’s gravy. If no meat was used, sauce. And that’s that. 27) Chocolate or vanilla: Vanilla.
23: Bikini or one piece: If you believe in God, America and apple pie, bikini.
24: Chicken or the egg: Chicken. No, egg. You know what? Chicken. Definitely chicken. Maybe egg. I’m torn.
And finally …
25: Men vs. women: Women. Only a matter of time before men go extinct. Just a few of us for stud purposes. Makes sense, if you think about it. Scary.
Jeff Edelstein can be reached at facebook.com/jeffreyedelstein and @jeffedelstein on Twitter.
