Election Day is drawing near. So are the holidays and the attendant get-togethers with extended family, friends and colleagues — and their divergent political and social views.
Under the circumstances, is it possible for us all to have a civilized conversation, a term here used to mean “a discussion that eschews cussing and personal attacks?” Or are we doomed to the bland chitchat about — well, what?
Not , which leads to . Not an upcoming wedding, which provokes about . Not your children’s grades, which leads to quarrels about the , , , the , .
Not even the pilaf, because the and people present will start yammering about how bad grains are. That will set off the , and at that point, you might as well start turning off the lights.
But a discussion doesn’t have to turn into a confrontation, says , who facilitates monthly panels on sometimes delicate issues for his civic organization .
“Usually, when I extend an invitation to speakers, I explain that we want diverse opinions, but we also want respect,” Weissman said.
“So, straight up, I do my best to encourage people to share their stories, who they are, and why they believe what they believe. I think the best way to have a conversation over a heated issue is to know something about each other, and to establish some kind of respect for one another as a person, a human being. It’s a place to start.”
Between the elections, the ” at History Colorado, in , Mo., , controversy is almost inevitable during the next couple months.
, who organized and of controversial topics during his many years as director of Douglas County Libraries, endorses Weissman’s advice. He suggests establishing common ground among people with dissenting opinions.
“Let’s say you’re talking about a hot topic, like fracking,” he said.
“Invite someone from each side of the argument. Tell them, ‘This is your day. This is your chance to be heard. Let’s start by talking about what we agree on.
“Do we all want a prosperous community? We can probably agree on that. Do we all want clean, safe drinking water? We can agree on that. So now, how can we address these concerns? But that style of discussion is not one we often see.”
But maybe we need to see that style more often, LaRue suggests.
“If we want to accomplish as much as we can, we need to get together. We need to take note of legitimate concerns, and address them. We’re here to learn from each other. That doesn’t happen when people are just shouting at each other, and upsetting people in the middle who haven’t made up their minds.”
When conversation turns controversial, it’s time to think like a facilitator, not a debater, Weissman says. Look at the individuals in the group. Consider the amount of power they wield — or don’t.
“You need to recognize power and privilege. Try to let everyone have a chance to speak, especially if one person is monopolizing the discussion.
“It’s important for people to feel they can tell their side of the story, or share their personal experience.”
Among LaRue’s techniques for encouraging everyone to speak up: a , a concept borrowed from American Indians.
“When you hold the talking stick, you have a chance to speak without interruption, and everyone is treated fairly,” he said.
“Another thing I used to do — and I used to do this a lot — would be, during an argument, to ask the opponents to repeat back each other’s position, without slander. They had to keep repeating the other person’s words until the first person says, ‘That’s right, that’s what I said.’ This is effective because it forces people to actually listen, instead of working on their rebuttal while they wait for the other person to stop talking.”
Claire Martin: 303-954-1477, cmartin@denverpost.com or twitter.com/byclairemartin
Stay calm and converse on
Discussing a controversial topic? Try to find some common ground with dissenters.
How to host a civil discussion
Before the discussion begins, set down some ground rules, advises Evan Weissman, executive director of Warm Cookies of the Revolution, a civic health club that encourages diverse points of view.
Establish common ground. Before plunging into the pro and con arguments, find some basics for consensus: Clean, safe water; cooperative communities; economically healthy cities; mutual respect.
Agree to treat one another with respect, even if you enthusiastically disagree with someone’s point of view.
Remind people to remember that everyone deserves to be heard. Invite people who’ve been silent to share their thoughts, too.
Find points of humor. In a conversation about race, it’s fair to bring up as a way to analyze the show it affectionately satirizes, To leaven an environmental discussion, play Tom Lehrer’s (Lehrer’s could serve as a warm-up for a talk about nationality.)
