The dads flocked from as far as Florida, Washington state and Canada, like geese looking for their gaggle. One was “ordered” to fly by his wife, but agreed eagerly. Another was “dissed” by his conservative Cuban-American father, but rebelled joyously.
The “gaggle” was the 19th annual At-Home Dads Convention, which was held in Denver last September.
This group of 105 dads from around the nation (up from 73 at last year’s event) met primarily to find camaraderie, exchange parenting tips and to counter the isolation they feel at being the parent at home and in charge of their kids all day.
Although their engagement and learning was intense, the workshops were interrupted frequently by humor — much of it mocking and self-deprecatory.
“Well, here we are, just a gang of passive, testosterone-drained daddies … ,” said one dad before a general meeting, eliciting laughter and nods of recognition at the negative stereotype.
I flashed back to the women’s consciousness-raising group, which, as an at-home mom, I joined in the early 1970s. Compared to these dads, we were deadly serious, fun-avoiding feminists.
Humor aside, I found many more similarities than differences between moms of yesterday and these dads of today:
Isolation: “I feel like I’m on an island in vast sea,” declared an at-home dad with two toddlers. “I feel like I’m drowning in kid tears and laundry,” said one of the stay-at-home moms in our group. And I still remember her own tears as she said it.
Countering the predominant culture: Yesterday, we women were labeled aggressive, brazen and even castrating for marching out of our “natural” caretaking roles. Today, these men are labeled lazy laggards, un-American weirdos or wimps for retreating from their “natural” breadwinner mandate. And their labels sting more than ours did.
Despite the fact that moms can still suffer career losses for taking time to stay home with children, dads who do so suffer worse.
Now that 23 percent of married women make more money than their husbands, and the percentage of stay-at-home parents who are fathers has increased from 8 percent to 16 percent in just the last decade, it should be natural for dads to take on the homemaking role. But it is not.
According to one of the experts at the conference, for a dad, five years at home can be a real career-stopper. A recent New York Times report reveals that even career dads who take perfectly legal and nominally encouraged unpaid parental leave on the birth or adoption of a newborn are likely to suffer longterm negative effects like lower pay or being passed over for promotions.
Despite these career anxieties, many dads at the conference expressed contentment, and sometimes pure joy, at full-time daddy-hood. Former journalist David Worford of Fort Collins, stay-at-home dad of four boys ages 2 months to 10 years, and husband of Cherie, a physician, said: “I’m very comfortable with these multiple ongoing challenges … . Sometimes they are less stressful than the workplace with all its office politics.”
Other dads professed:
“I see my kids’ minds and hearts growing. I see confidence. I see emotional security.”
“It’s like throwing pebbles in the water — no telling how many positive people or events I will affect.”
“Most days I feel this is the moment of my life.”
The National At-Home Dad Network, which organized the Denver conference, is a 3,000-member organization with 70 chapters around the county, including Denver.
Dottie Lamm (dolamm59@gmail.com) former first lady of Colorado, is the author of “Daddy on Board: Parenting Roles for the 21st Century” (Fulcrum Press, 2007).
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