Dear Amy: I have been “best friends” with a never-married woman
for 25 years. She does not like to cook and, consequently, eats poorly. My
husband and I invite her to join us for a meal at least once a week, if not more. We enjoy her
company, and I know she gets lonely.
She is well-off financially, which brings me to my question: How can I
stop feeling resentful that she never reciprocates by occasionally treating
us to a meal out?
Not only does she never host or treat us, but she never even brings a
bottle of wine to share when she dines at our house.
A couple of years ago she offered to pay for a steak dinner (that we had
invited her to) at a restaurant. When the bill arrived, she gave my husband
money for the steaks and we ended up paying the bar tab (she also
drank).
I feel petty parsing our friendship in this way. But I’m starting to
“keep score,” and I don’t like that. — Hospitable to a
Point
Dear Hospitable: Feeding a friend more than once a week exceeds
the average bounds of hospitality; it seems you have veered into territory
that might be more like family than a typical host-guest relationship.
You can talk to your friend and simply ask her to bring over a bottle of
wine, a dessert or ingredients for her favorite meal. This requires only
that you be brave enough to ask for what you want.
Assign a job — whether it is meal prep or cleaning up. This would
engage her more in your effort (and might teach her some kitchen
skills).
Cut in half the number of dinners you host for her (this should cut your
resentment in half).
Alternatively, you can simply choose to be generous. Understand and
accept that this is built into your relationship with this person, and
simply make a decision to feel good about it. Your generosity is something
laudable about you, and you should celebrate it.
Dear Amy: My 28-year-old daughter is getting married.
Her father and I divorced when she was 7. The past 10 years, I have done
well financially. Her father is OK, but has poor spending habits.
He offered to pay $3,000 as his part of the wedding bill but sent her a
check for $2,000, without any explanation about the difference.
I am picking up the other $47,000 for the wedding, including catering
for 125 people that comes to $150 per person.
He has 20 family members coming, so I’d like to ask him to cover their
dinners, an additional $1,000.
I was going to suck it up and take it in stride, until I found out he
just got new vehicles. I put his name on the invitation, because he is
hosting (regardless of funding).
Part of me says to ignore it and pay, and the other part of me resents
this. Your thoughts? — MOB
Dear Mob: My first thought is that a 28-year-old woman (and her
future husband) should be personally handling the awkwardness that arises
from being shorted by her father.
She could ask him where the rest of his promised money is, shave down
their (impressive) budget by $1,000 or ask you to bridge the gap.
Because your daughter does not seem to have assumed any financial
responsibility, you will have to confront your ex, or pick up the bigger
tab. If he promised more than he delivered, it seems logical that someone
should at least ask him about it.
Dear Amy: “Carol” wanted to judge parents who let their young
children be entertained with “screens.”
I would ask everyone to remember that you are seeing only one small part
of that child’s day.
My daughter was so active that my boss called her “the electron.” I
spent hours every day playing with her, chasing after her, talking with her
and doing all of those “good parent” things.
I also spent the first two years of her life trying to figure out some
way to keep her seated and quiet at (family-friendly!) restaurants, with
zero success. So when I discovered Elmo could buy us 30 minutes of blessed
silence, I could have kissed the furry little guy. — Laura
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