Dear Amy: I have been mentoring a young woman for about five years at my current company. I was instrumental in hiring her at this job (as well as her previous
position).
I am a fashion designer and have made gowns for many top celebrities.
When it came time for her to marry, she chose to have her gown made by someone with far less experience and who has a reputation for making trashy and cheap clothing.
I found this out by accident and have been feeling sad and insulted ever since. I have been steering clear of the young woman, who seems to have no idea how she has offended me. After so many years of friendship (or at least what I thought was such), I feel not only insult but loss.
I want to let this go, but I don’t know what to do. — Sad Designer
Dear Sad Designer: This is a tender situation for you, but as a designer for celebrities, you must realize that your work is not for everyone. And surely you don’t think your mentee was obligated to choose you as her dressmaker?
If she wanted to walk down the aisle looking like Dolly Parton’s backup singer, then you would not be the person for that particular job. She might have thought she wouldn’t be able to afford you. Or perhaps she didn’t want to put herself (and you) in the awkward position of being your client, as well as your mentee.
See how awkward this whole situation is now? If you had made her dress, this dynamic might have been much worse.
Communicate with her about this, but do so with the understanding that she is not responsible for your hurt feelings.
You could show an interest in her dress and offer to help if she needs any last-minute alterations. Don’t criticize her choice, but do say, “I really wish you had come to me — even if I didn’t make your dress, I would have enjoyed learning about it in advance, and it would have been great if you had given me a heads-up about it.”
