Dear Eric: What should one consider if thinking about divorce? My spouse and I have been married for more than 40 years; the first 41 were very positive. We both worked so were not underfoot, were supportive and loving of each other and had many wonderful experiences.
Now over time in retirement, daily life has become unpleasant. We both had a major health issue and supported each other through it.
However, my spouse is generally negative and critical toward me, which is wearing on me. Couples therapy isn’t an option.
Even though we have a wonderful history, I’m not sure I want to live the remainder of my life like this. I know I could get by financially, although the divorce process itself would undoubtedly be fraught.
However, I can’t see what the future would look like alone as a currently active senior citizen, so I feel stuck. What can you suggest for me to help work through this decision?
— On the Cusp
Dear Cusp: I’m sorry your marriage has become difficult for you. Changes in life can, of course, change the way marriages work; spouses have to endeavor to meet each other where they are throughout a union. But the negativity and criticalness your spouse is exhibiting makes that hard and itap not fair. This isn’t healthy for either of you.
You write that couples counseling isn’t an option. Is this because your spouse won’t agree to go? Thatap a huge roadblock for many couples. If your spouse acknowledges that there is a problem but won’t do anything to fix it, it puts you in a bind.
You do have options, however. First, you can explore therapy on your own. Even if you were going to couples counseling, I’d encourage you to also talk with someone one-on-one so that you can process your feelings and make plans for the future with clear eyes.
You might even tell your spouse that you’re going to therapy and talk about why. You might explain that part of your motivation is because you want to have a better quality of life. It can become easy to take life, love, and long-term companionship for granted. Itap important to recognize that they are gifts and, with therapy, we can continue to appreciate them and navigate changes.
Also consider talking to a divorce attorney. This doesn’t commit you to anything. Right now, the future probably looks daunting and hazy. Being able to think through your financial and legal position, as well as your possibilities for social support, will give you more information with which to make a decision.
Dear Eric: I qualify for a home cleaning service through a city program for low-income residents. They have different groups of contractors under one main organization. Seems like I get somebody from a different service every other week.
I assumed they would use the products I have on hand but one of them insisted that I had to give her $25 to buy the products she liked best, claiming that she didn’t think anything I had was effective.
That really set me back. I know that I pay on a sliding scale and I couldn’t afford to pay much before this started. But all of the other cleaners that come are willing to use what I already have.
I already hinted to the supervisor that I want the $25 to go toward my bill but she only agreed it was a big shock to me. I probably can’t get a refund, plus she wanted me to drive to the store to buy the stuff. Is this fair? Can I do anything?
— Not “Filthy” Rich
Dear Rich: The cleaner is entitled to her preference regarding products, but it doesn’t sit right that she insisted you give her money. I hope, at least, she left the products in your home instead of taking them with her when she left.
However, if she was unwilling to do the cleaning with the products already available, she should have declined the placement or talked to the program supervisor about how to best set herself and the clients up for success.
Your recourse at this point is talking directly to the supervisor rather than hinting about your displeasure. Express your frustration about being charged extra, explain how this differs from what you would expect of this professional relationship, and ask that, in the future, you not be assigned any cleaners who will charge you extra.
It may not be within the program’s purview or budget to refund you the money at this point, but itap worth asking what, if anything, they can do to help offset the unexpected cost.
Should this situation ever arise again, itap fine to politely decline and even forgo that week’s cleaning before taking out your wallet.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on and sign up for his weekly newsletter at .)
