Dear Eric: My brother and his wife recently cut off contact with my family, listing grievances related to what I consider to be unrealistic expectations or perceived injustices (like how quickly someone responds to their message on a group chat vs. someone else’s message). They stated they were establishing boundaries for their own well-being.
I value family highly and don’t think you can just decide that family isn’t family. When this brother was younger and going through some personal struggles, I said as much to him, letting him know he couldn’t just push me away, I’d always be there for him.
My inclination is to respond to their message by reaching out more often and making sure they feel loved and cared for, but am I disrespecting their “boundaries” by doing that? Am I really supposed to accept that they can just opt out of family?
— Unbounded
Dear Unbounded: It will be helpful to think about what you consider to be being there for your brother and ask yourself if the way you express love and support is the way he receives love and support.
Neither of you is doing anything wrong, per se, but you clearly have different expectations and communication styles. Reaching out more often when you’ve been explicitly asked not to, won’t come across as supportive in this context; it will come across as dismissive at best.
Instead, consider writing your brother a letter acknowledging that you have heard his request and, though it makes you sad, that you’ll respect it. Then you can put forward something that you need, whether itap a quarterly check-in, or something lower contact that still keeps you connected in some way.
This may take time to build. He may need more space at first. Thatap OK. He’s clearly working through some hard things emotionally and trying to do whatap best for him. If you reaching out more doesn’t feel like love to him, itap only going to make things harder.
You don’t have to lose your brother, but it will help your relationship to try to love him in the way he’s asking to be loved, even if that means loving from afar.
Dear Eric: My friend is nearly never available when I need him, despite asking for and accepting my help whenever he needs me.
We both have very small farms. I have hay-making equipment. In the past I have helped him with his hay, and he helps me with mine. The unbalance there is that it requires $80,000 worth of my equipment, and my upkeep and setup of the equipment.
He knew I was making hay this weekend because we had spoken through text several times in the previous four days.
When I needed his help, he didn’t answer texts. He always has good excuses for not getting together or helping. The thing is at the time I make the request there are crickets from him. It isn’t until the next day, or days later I get a response about what wonderful, fun, or important thing he was involved in.
I found someone else I had to pay to help with the hay. The next day I got a text that he had spent the day with visiting relatives. These guests were visiting for his son’s wedding and had been there for two weeks, and my wife and I consider these relatives friends as well.
He will be calling me to ask for help with his hay soon. I have decided that I will not help him in the future. Should I wait until then to tell him how hurt I am by this action? Or because he doesn’t seem to care, just let it go?
— Not Really a Friend
Dear Friend: The phrase “make hay” also means to make use of a situation in order to gain an advantage, and it certainly seems your friend is conversant in both definitions. Were this a one-time or an occasional thing, it might be easy to just chalk it up to misaligning schedules. But you’ve noticed a pattern.
Itap possible that he doesn’t see the pattern, so for the sake of clarity itap a good idea to talk to him about the imbalance you’re feeling. Before you do, decide if you just want him to be aware of what you’ve noticed, or if you want him to change his ways.
If itap the latter, you might talk it out a bit and explain that while help with tasks isn’t a requirement of the friendship, his lack of availability and his willingness to ask you for your help is sending a message to you. It may not be a message he’s intending, and you may find, through conversation, that you can work out a better way to show up for each other.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on and sign up for his weekly newsletter at .)
