Dear Eric: I have been a teacher for 19 years. I have seen a lot. As a mandated reporter I have had to make the call to the authorities with some frequency. I have also had other children who had prior abuse and I was always a shoulder to cry on when needed. I have felt intense sadness at times, as when a studentap sibling was murdered. I tried my best to comfort him.
I never let these instances interfere with my attitude on life or my job. I was always able to move on and not let it get me down. I always seemed to be able to see the silver lining and think this is a hard thing they are going through, but these kids are going to get through and at the end of this trial be stronger and able to help others through.
However, this last year broke me. I don’t know any other way to describe it. Those rose-colored glasses I managed to keep on through 19 years of hearing horror stories and teaching some very traumatized kids just shattered to pieces.
This past year I had two second-grade students that changed everything. Their stories are horrific and heartbreaking, but I am not sure why these two boys affected me more than all the others I’ve taught. I am angry and sad. I keep finding myself not wanting to ever go back to teaching. I feel like I am still mourning a loss that was never my loss.
When I try to talk to my husband, he keeps getting irritated telling me to get over it and to let it go. I realize I am being irrational, but I can’t seem to shake this off.
— No More Rose-Colored Glasses
Dear Glasses: First, you’re not being irrational, and your husband’s irritation is inappropriate. You’re dealing with incredibly traumatic things and, as a teacher and mandatory reporter, you’re often having to receive distressing information while immediately pivoting to care and action.
It doesn’t sound like your school system is providing you with the time and resources to adequately process what you’re hearing. You may have been able to compartmentalize for years, but the feelings you’re dealing with have to go somewhere.
Itap said that a good therapist always has a therapist, and although you’re not a therapist, as a teacher you have been called on to step into a similar role at times. There is a cost to that. Please consider talking to a trained professional about your experience and the feelings it has brought up. You may also consider taking a leave of absence from teaching, to give yourself time to heal and regroup.
There is nothing wrong with taking a step back to care for yourself. One can’t pour from an empty cup. You do incredibly important, vital work. You owe it to yourself to take time to recover.
Dear Eric: I bought a friend tickets to a concert she had mentioned wanting to go to. I didn’t ask her about it because I wanted it to be a surprise. I gave her the tickets for her birthday, and she looked surprised and annoyed. I said, “What?” She told me her boyfriend already gave her tickets to the concert.
Well, I got mad about that. I don’t really like her boyfriend, first off. Second, she and I had talked about the concert. Now she’s saying that she’d actually asked her boyfriend to get the tickets for her.
I’m really annoyed about the whole thing. I get that she likes this guy, even though I don’t see why. But I went out of my way to make a nice plan for us and itap not like the tickets were cheap.
Should I insist she go with me instead?
— Concert Conflict
Dear Concert: Insisting of any kind, about anything, is just going to add more tension to this situation. And it doesn’t seem like the situation actually warrants tension. Sure, you don’t like your friend’s boyfriend, but his intentions seem good, as were yours so you’re not really in conflict.
You did a nice thing for your friend. And itap unfortunate that that nice thing coincided with a nice thing her boyfriend did for her, at her request. But the best thing to do is defer to her wishes. If she wants to go with her boyfriend, itap not a knock against you.
There will be other opportunities to celebrate with your friend. And in a case like this it really is the thought that counts.
Consider inviting another friend to join you at the concert. This friend could even pay for their ticket, so you wouldn’t be out so much money. Or, if the ticketing service’s policies allow it, you can list the tickets for resale.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on and sign up for his weekly newsletter at .)
