Dear Amy: I have been involved with a man for three years. He lived in other parts of the country for more than two years, but he was here often.
He popped the question, but he told me that he had been with another woman while we were dating. He was even engaged to that same woman. He had let this other woman think that she was the only one too.
He and I eventually moved in together. The other woman called because he told her that he was moving alone with his mother to another state so his mother could be closer to her late husband’s grave.
When she called, he finally told her about me. I asked for validation of their relationship, and she sent a receipt from a jewelry store where he bought her a battery for her watch and she stated that they had been looking at engagement rings.
I went behind his back and took his unopened mail out of the garbage and opened it and read it. I used my daughter’s cellphone to call the person who sent the mail. I did all of this behind his back in order not to upset him.
Should I leave this man or should I stay?
– Wondering
Dear Wondering: I think the question you should ask yourself is: How quickly can I book a moving van and pack my things? Should I leave in the middle of the night or should I toss him out? Do you understand where I’m headed? Liars lie. That’s what they do. They say they’re moving to another state with their mother so she can be nearer to her dear husband’s grave, and then they tell a lie to cover for that lie, and before you know it, you are rummaging through the garbage and making sneaky phone calls.
Stop trying to catch him in his lies, stop asking for validation and concentrate on extracting yourself from this relationship.
…
Dear Amy: I am conflicted about what to do with my relationship with my older sister. Our relationship has always been intense. She is three years older, and we have very different personality types. I am extroverted and social.
Her relationship with our mother is even more complicated. She blames my mom for a lot of emotional neglect, has accused her of alcoholism (I don’t agree), and in general paints my mother as unstable and needing therapy.
After listening to my sister vent for years about how awful my mother is, I had had enough and, with my brother’s consent, sent an e-mail to both my sister and mother to cut out the bickering, at least in front of the rest of the family, and to work out their problems on their own.
This was last year. Now my sister has basically cut off all communication with me. She lives alone and out of town.
Truthfully, the time I have spent on the outs with her has been pretty peaceful. I am able to have a relationship directly with my mother without the taint of my sister’s disapproval, but I do feel guilty about enjoying the silence.
Should I confront the situation and try to resolve it or let sleeping dogs lie?
– Little Sis
Dear Sis: You e-mailed your sister and asked her to stop involving you in her bickering. She did. As far as I can tell, you got what you asked for – except that now you want to have a relationship with her on your terms. You can’t blame your sister for having the temperament she has; you can’t ask her to step out of her personality and be more like you. You asked your sister to keep her feelings to herself, and because she is intense and dramatic, she may not know how else to relate to you.
I hope that you two can find a middle ground in order to have a relationship you both enjoy, but first you’ll have to brave a conversation. Perhaps it’s time to send a more conciliatory e-mail.
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