The biggest event in galactic history, the war that cost millions of souls, threatened The Force and delivered all life forms from evil, started as a dispute over import tariffs?
Wow. Somebody wake me when the 14 hours of “Star Wars” is over. To mark this week’s release of the final “Star Wars” episode, it was time to watch all six movies to see if they made sense and still imparted thrills. But I can get taxes and tariffs on C-Span.
“Episode 1 – The Phantom Menace,” from 1999, was an inauspicious start to my Obi-Wanna-Jolt-Cola movie marathon. It was a reminder that across six episodes of “Star Wars,” the most lucrative franchise in movie history, you have a microcosm of the galaxy: soaring greatness alongside abysmal failure, touching humanity alongside leaden stereotypes.
My wisdom for future generations is simple: Skip the first two episodes altogether. Read a plot summary and save yourself 4 1/2 hours of science fiction heartburn. Go straight to this week’s third episode in the theater, and then lose yourself in DVDs of IV, V and VI to enjoy a remarkable mythology for our modern times.
Episode I – The Phantom Menace, or When will it End? **
Going back in time to make his first episode, George Lucas forgot the difference between childlike – a sensibility everyone praised “Stars Wars” for capturing – and merely childish, also defined as Jar Jar Binks. The notorious Rastafarian alien, speaking as if Gollum were raised in Jamaica, shuffles cluelessly through “Phantom” and ruins everything he touches. Here is sample Jar Jar-speak: “Youza in big doo-doo dis time.”
The plot takes us to Planet Naboo and an underwater sequence with pudgy amphibian war lords; the empire is defended by ‘droids that look like heavily armed aardvarks. I’ve seen “Barney” episodes with more emotional depth. Liam Neeson is so bored only his tight Jedi ponytail keeps his brain from exploding. We meet Yoda, sounding more like Sesame Street’s Grover than ever before, and Natalie Portman, whose acting skills are about as sharply developed as Big Bird.
In the climactic lightsaber fight, the evil Sith gets a cool double-sided sword, which resembles a nuclear-powered kayak paddle. Obi-Wan wins the battle by thinking very, very hard. Jar Jar organizes a celebration consisting of an intergalactic Jamaican drum show – those warriors got riddim, mon. The victors symbolize the triumph of good by holding up a glowing Powerball from the galactic lottery.
Episode II – Attack of the Clones, or Which Ones Are the Clones Again? * 1/2
Quite probably one of the worst expensive movies ever made. The good news is Queen Amidala is now a senator; the bad news is Portman is a worse actress than Sen. Hillary Clinton. Hayden Christensen plays her sullen boy lover, Anakin Skywalker, whose pouty lips seem to say if the Force doesn’t go his way, he won’t eat his vegetables. When the secret lovers hide on unfriendly planets, the queen cleverly disguises herself by trading her 3-foot-tall crowns for headdresses only 2 feet tall.
Lucas seems to have poured the scriptwriting budget into his patented THX sound system on the theory that if it can’t be good it can at least be loud. The plot: Evil rebels threaten the galactic Republic, but the weasely chancellor who runs the Republic may be even more evil. Clones are bad, but androids are good – or maybe it’s the other way around. It’s impossible to tell the two apart in a battle scene, just like a joint session of Congress!
Things look up briefly when the former queen discovers belly shirts and backless dresses. But then we must decide between the Dark Side of the Force and the Lightly Toasted Side. In other words, we must decide whether it’s OK to laugh at Yoda’s battle scenes. The wizened mini-Jedi looks like he couldn’t fight for the senior discount at Luby’s, let alone take on the Sith Lord. But acquits himself well, he does. Anakin pouts that bad men were not nice to his mother, and flashes a Dark Side that might land him a timeout in another galaxy. The queen forgives him, and in his honor, wears one more silly hat for their wedding.
Episode III – Revenge of the Sith, or Welcome Back, George ***
Just when you thought it was safe to ridicule everything “Star Wars,” Lucas returns from his flirtation with the Dark Side by crafting a terrific caper to his monumental series. Christensen as Anakin uses the Force to control those pouty lips and actually looks like an adult. Signs of trouble though, he’s starting to wear black, just like your Goth teenager.
Amidala and Obi-Wan (Ewan McGregor) ask tough questions appropriate for our age: What if this Republic they are defending has become such a martial state that it’s no longer much of a democracy? As Yoda would say, gone the silly humor is; returned, the sense of adventure has. Lucas spices it with an edgier PG-13 rating and neatly and thrillingly explains how the conflicted Anakin morphed into evil torture-bot Darth Vader.
As Vader takes his first artificial breath, his twins are born a world away – Luke and Leia, parents deceased or busy apprenticing to the Dark Force. One burning question remains: How did they write science fiction plots before the invention of ventilator shafts?
Episode IV – A New Hope, or Classics Never Fade ****-plus
Where it all began, now where it all continues, as the middle episode. The original “Star Wars” is still magic to watch 28 years later. Fusing Buck Rogers giddiness with Joseph Campbell’s mono-myth of the heroic quest, Lucas marries landscape beautifully to his special effects, slashing dialogue to a minimum in support of his gleaming comic-book ideal. Luke Skywalker (Mark Hamill) is your typical impatient teen, itching to ditch the farm and the desolate sand planet of Tatooine. He responds to the oldest trick in the book, a message in a robotic bottle from distressed Princess Leia (Carrie Fisher).
Enter sarcastic swashbuckler Han Solo, played by Harrison Ford before Ford’s emotion chip was permanently removed. This guy is actually funny! The way Ford sneers, “Hey kid!” cuts like a thousand light sabres. The Republic has morphed into the evil Empire, whose starships have a cool gleam – think swordfighting in the halls of the MoMA. Darth Vader leads the baddies, but is it possible he has paternal feelings for Luke, or is that just the glare from his face shield? And Luke’s budding romantic feelings for Leia – it always seemed a bit unnatural, but knowing what we know now? Whoa! Somebody call social services.
Episode V – The Empire Strikes Back, or Skiing the Evil Back Bowls ***
The rebels have retreated to the ice planet Hoth, where lift tickets are cheap but the après ski parties are always ruined by the Dark Side. Luke, meanwhile, takes his Jedi training on Yoda’s swampy home planet. He practices levitation and supporting Yoda while standing on his head – hey, it’s Cirque de Solar System. “Kill them in Vegas, we will,” Yoda says.
Han is frozen like Folgers Crystals and is saved by Billy Dee Williams through text messaging, perhaps Lucas’ most prescient invention. Luke loses a hand in battle, joining a long and proud line of one-armed Jedis. Luke also learns Vader is really his father, Anakin, and is saved by another conveniently placed ventilator shaft. The darker tone makes “Empire” interesting, but the story is getting a bit long in the Wookie fangs at this point.
Episode VI – Return of the Jedi, or Finally I Can Get a Life *** 1/2
They ran out of evil ideas, so Lucas decides to put a new transmission in the destroyed Death Star and fire it back up. We spend much time with supersonic slob Jabba the Hut, who runs an R-rated Muppet show and keeps the lovely Leia chained in a stunning harem bikini. (A friend says Leia’s abs are the only thing men remember about this movie. Guilty.)
A well-trained Luke can now do that Jedi hand-wave thing, which silences guards and gets him into the Van Morrison concert. Then we have a long interlude on a forest planet with Ewoks, who come across like espresso-fueled terriers with bad dentists. Their badly-sewn fur suits make them look like Teletubbies with mange. But the rebels finally win, and it turns out Darth was just misunderstood. Cuteness nearly overwhelms, but we finally have a completed fairy tale.
Staff writer Michael Booth can be reached at 303-820-1686 or mbooth@denverpost.com.
