Six steps inside the front door at Freaky’s, behind a counter lined with glass pipes, a party-hearty ballplayer can find instant salvation for his wicked ways.
Grape-flavored cleansing drinks that wash away those wild nights. Detoxifying shampoos that add body while hiding a binge. And the ultimate in drug-test trickery: a prosthetic penis that pumps clean samples of fake urine.
“The Original Whizzinator” – which retails for $155 – is the hottest over-the-counter item for anyone looking to fool a probation officer, a corporate drug screener or the NFL.
Minnesota Vikings running back Onterrio Smith certainly believes in the product. Three weeks ago, Smith admitted to Minnesota police that the vials of synthetic urine dust found in his luggage were key ingredients in his Whizzinator recipe.
But Smith is not alone when it comes to professional athletes who bank on artificial urine or masking agents to beat drug tests. And a few have made their way to this Freaky’s store, a head shop and tattoo parlor five minutes south of downtown Denver, according to manager Caleb Skar. “I won’t tell you their names. But three-quarters of them know what they want when they come in. And then they’re out the door.”
When it comes to snuffing drug-test dodgers, the NFL employs a policy that is a little, well, hazy.
A player who deliberately alters or swaps out his specimen during a collection can be suspended, the league says.
“But the possession of paraphernalia outside of a testing situation will be investigated and action taken if appropriate,” NFL spokesman Greg Aiello said.
Put another way: Smith’s attempt to board a plane with dried urine may not be enough to land him in hot water.
The buzz, at least according to some Denver sales clerks and one former NFL running back, is the rise of the “masking agent” – a liquid that scrubs “toxins” from the body and helps provide a pure pee sample. The No. 1 choice at Freaky’s is Ready Clean, a chuggable juice that is supposed to work in just one hour and costs $30. It even comes with a peel-off label and an infusion of vitamin B2.
“If you follow the instructions, it will work for you,” Skar says.
A player just has to remember.
Former Miami Dolphins running back Ricky Williams claims he used a similar masking agent called Extra Clean to avoid positive tests for two years. He was nabbed after he stopped taking the drink.
But an array of other legal coverups dot the store shelves. Get Clean shampoo promises to rinse the drug evidence from your hair after two washes and $27.50. Quick Fizz, an effervescent tablet, is supposed to temporarily hold drug residue inside the fat cells so it won’t be released into the blood stream and show up in a test tube.
But the Whizzinator stretches deception to new limits. Users strap on the device (which comes in five skin colors) so drug testers can watch them give a doctored sample of fake urine.
The manufacturers, Puck Technology, offer one key tip on their website: The clip valve that releases the urine makes a snapping sound when opened so users “should try disguising the sound by clearing your throat or coughing.” Puck Technology, based in Signal Hill, Calif., declined to grant an interview.
“You’re just wearing it like a jock, basically,” Skar says, while holding one of the Whizzinators. “I’d say I definitely sell one of them a week.”
Staff writer Bill Briggs can be reached at 303-820-1720 or bbriggs@denverpost.com.
