Dear Amy: My daughter-in-law and I seem to have a problem. When dating my son, she was open and warm whenever we met. When they were married, I said she could call me by my first name or Mrs. or “Mom.” Whatever she felt comfortable with.
I am now called “Hi.” She is 36, worked for a huge organization and retains her maiden name, so she is cosmopolitan enough to show some respect by using any of the above titles.
At the baby shower, I was “Steve’s mom.” My son calls from his cellphone on holidays, and she does not get on the phone to wish us happy holidays – ever. Mother’s Day has passed, and my son called me on his cellphone while going home from his mother-in-law’s house. I guess this saves her from having to talk to us.
We are going to visit them next week (grandson visit), and it is hard for me to know how to react in these instances. Suggestions?
– Mother-in-Law
Dear In-law: Obviously, if a person doesn’t feel comfortable addressing someone by name or title, all other communication is going to be much harder. It’s hard to feel close to someone whose name is “Hi.” You need to address this issue first. One way might be to say to her, “You know, Marcia, when I was first married, I couldn’t figure out what to call my mother-in-law because nothing sounded right. Is that the same with you? I want you to feel comfortable; what does Steve call your mother?” You already have been helpful on this front, but it looks as if you need to have another conversation. Some readers have told me they call their mothers-in-law “Milly” (from the abbreviation MIL).
When visiting, do your best to be as warm, friendly and helpful as you have been. You and your daughter-in-law have an opportunity to grow close through your grandson.
…
Dear Amy: I am a health-conscious vegetarian, so I eat mostly fruits, vegetables, tofu, etc. in reasonable portions.
While doctors may applaud this decision, it obviously irks my colleagues, friends and family. At least a few times a week, people share their opinions about my meals, ranging from, “I think it’s time you ate a hamburger” to “Are you feeling well? You don’t seem to have a lot on your plate.” Because of my eating habits and regular exercise, I’m quite thin; rude comments regarding my weight are frequent as well.
I always smile and say nothing. Though tempted, I have never commented on their artery-clogging lunches or not-so-svelte figures.
Am I being too sensitive? Should I continue to keep quiet?
– Nuts and Berries
Dear Nuts: I have a friend who handles this sort of rude query by saying something to the effect of, “Oh, are you OK? Is my food bothering you?” in a sort of super-sincere way that usually has people grappling with how to respond.
When somebody suggests you need a hamburger, laugh and say, “Well, I know there’s nothing quite like eating a dead animal to make a person feel good, but I’m just going another way. Enjoy those clogged arteries, Stan!” Then laugh, wink and dive into your berries, knowing that you will, in all likelihood, have the last laugh.
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