Q: My husband cheated on me seven years ago. At the time, I had a feeling he did, but he never told me. (He was going to topless bars with his friends.) Whenever I confronted him, he would deny it. I always told him that if I found out it was true – no matter how much time had passed – I would divorce or separate from him. I was pregnant when he was cheating on me, so I was feeling very hurt.
He finally admitted to it after all these years, and I have asked him to leave. Am I doing the right thing? I have two kids with him, but I also don’t want to stay with him because of the kids or because I need his money. He has asked for forgiveness so many times, and I know the right thing is separation or divorce. But my kids do not deserve this pain.
Catherine: First figure out what his apology means. You said he has asked for forgiveness several times. Does this mean he knows the error of his ways, has been completely honest in his confessions to you, and wants to work at healing the pain he has caused?
If so, then divorce or separation is not the right move. Counseling can help uncover his true intentions and help you work through your own pain, hurt, mistrust and anger.
You are right to recognize your kids as a priority. They are learning how to live by watching your marriage. How do people work out differences? How do people handle pain?
Danny: Divorce doesn’t have to be your first and only reaction; consider a separation while you both seek counseling. Ultimately, whatever choice you make will require some level of forgiveness – on both your parts.
For you, forgiveness will require a strong will to reunite with your husband at a physical, emotional and spiritual level. Your husband, if he is truly a changed man, will have to learn to forgive himself as well.
Seek help toward understanding whether your relationship has ever been or can continue to be positive. Your kids’ needs are a priority, but they may not be enough to carry you through a life of emptiness and resentment.
Marriage requires so much more than love, a home and kids. If moving on becomes the best choice, refuse to see it as a failure.
Lily: You warned him that if he ever cheated you would ask him to leave. He did and you have. And you say you believe the right thing is separation or divorce. You sound like you know what you want and need to do.
Still, I can understand your confusion. Even the best of us need a little help dealing with life’s curveballs. Catherine’s right about making your kids a priority; they still will need a loving parent to be there for them. And Danny’s got a good point about forgiveness.
But don’t forget to set some time apart for yourself. Maybe your church has support groups for spouses seeking divorce. Seek out your friends. Do what my mom has always told me to do: Hear everyone’s advice and listen only to that which benefits you and your family.
Suggested reading
The topic of unfaithfulness could fill whole libraries, but here are a few books that might help you start to process the situation.
– Catherine Jagers
“Patterns of Infidelity and Their Treatment,” by Emily M. Brown
“Private Lies: Infidelity and the Betrayal of Intimacy,” by Frank Pittman
“Torn Asunder: Recovering From Extramarital Affairs,” by Dave Carder
“Not ‘Just Friends’: Protect Your Relationship From Infidelity and Heal the Trauma of Betrayal,” by Shirley P. Glass.
E-mail consejos@dallasnews.com. Or send letters to Consejos, c/o Texas Living, The Dallas Morning News, 508 Young St., Dallas, TX 75202. Visit Lily, Catherine and Danny online at DallasNews.com/consejos.
