Dear Amy: I have been married for 10 years. My husband and I have four adorable children, a beautiful home and a good life.
Unfortunately, I have a problem with my husband’s behavior. He tends to explode when his work schedule is inconvenienced, if we have a difference of opinion, or if I object to his handling of our son. At times, he has called me a “b—-” or other choice names, or has distanced himself from me in a punishing way for many days.
Furthermore, he works all the time. He has gone into work at 2 a.m. more than once. He typically gets home at around 6 p.m. and is way too tired to help with the cooking, cleaning and shopping, or anything except putting the kids to bed.
We have tried a counselor, but it hasn’t helped. I am taking antidepressants but still feel lonely and depressed.
I have tried to explain all of this to him, way too many times. What is your call?
– Trapped and Tired
Dear Trapped: First of all, I wonder why a man who works constantly is expected to do cooking and cleaning when he gets home. I don’t know if you work outside the home, but you and he should reassess how to divide the workload at home – this is a key topic to negotiate in counseling.
Your husband’s verbal abuse, however, is non-negotiable. Every time he lashes out at you verbally or withdraws altogether, he is demonstrating this abusive behavior to your children. Clearly, he has anger-management issues, and this behavior is dangerous and could escalate.
You should be working with a counselor who can mentor the two of you in how to “fight fair.” I have a feeling there may be more to your husband’s work habits than meets the eye.
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Dear Amy: I met a guy, and we saw each other several times. He was in a relationship two years ago and almost got married.
Six weeks ago he said that he did not want a relationship and that I was not the only one he had been going out with. Then he said, “Do I have to spell it out for you? I met someone else.” I left my earring at his apartment and had to pick it up. When I went to pick it up, everything was nice. We hung out, got intimate and he said he wasn’t seeing that other girl anymore. He promised to take me out to eat, but he hasn’t called.
Should I give up on this guy? Why did he make a promise if he wasn’t going to keep it? Should I stop contacting him?
– Stuck in Long Island
Dear Stuck: People make all sorts of promises they don’t intend to keep, especially just after they’ve had “earring pickup sex.” Do I have to spell it out to you? He. Is. Not. Into. You.
Stop contacting him. Concentrate on valuing yourself more and expecting more of the guys you’re with. You’ll feel better if you don’t have sex until you know you have a relationship.
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Dear Amy: I read yer comment recently concerning public displays of affection.
I have been married to the same lass for 27 years. When we are out, I hold her hand (just as I did when we were dating). I will hug her and kiss her without regard to “prudish” souls who think I am nuts.
That I love my wife dearly is nae the issue. Now, I have been this way all my days on this earth, and yer inference that I am somehow “rude” strikes me as a comment I would expect from a Puritan of an earlier time. If such PDAs are a problem for ye, then it is yer problem.
– Rycharde Wey
Dear Mr. Wey: For some reason, we seem to have wandered into a high school production of “Brigadoon.” That is causing me much more pain than your criticism, I assure you.
My concern with public displays of affection is confined to circumstances such as those outlined in the original letter on the topic, when a couple would periodically interrupt a conversation with friends in order to kiss and stare longingly into each other’s eyes.
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