Dear Amy: I am married to a good, kind man who loves me very much.
Our children are married, so it is just the two of us. We are in our 50s and in good health, so these could be good years. He suffers from chronic depression and has been taking antidepressants, which have helped him. He goes to therapy and has done all he can to fight it, but it is something he will always have.
My husband was abused by clergy when he was a child, and severe depression also runs in his family. Remarkably, he is a kind and thoughtful father and husband, and a successful businessman. He is often sad; life doesn’t put a sparkle in his eyes.
I love and respect my husband and will never leave him or stray from our marriage. We are no longer intimate because of the side effects of his medications, but we are still best friends. I’m thankful that he is in my life.
I struggle with the fact that he can never be really happy.
Do you have any words of encouragement for those of us who know we have chosen the right path and will stay on it, but still have a persistent wistfulness that things could be different?
– Wishing
Dear Wishing: For all of the people who contact me saying they want to leave their marriages because they aren’t quite the trip to the moon on gossamer wings they’d expected, I offer up your story, which is one of love and devotion through sickness and health.
I appreciate it that you are seeking words of encouragement from me, but the true reward for you is in leading your life well and being a blessing and an example to your children and friends.
I hope that your family values you as much as you deserve to be valued, and that your husband and children adore you, as you deserve to be adored.
I will tell you this. Even those of us without the many burdens you face feel a persistent wistfulness that things could be different.
Persistent wistfulness goes along with late middle age, and I don’t know a person in that stage of life who doesn’t feel it. If the world still puts an occasional sparkle in your eye, I’d say that you are doing well.
The Survivors Network of those Abused by Priests (SNAP) is a national organization offering regular support meetings for victims of abuse and for loved ones. To locate a local meeting, check snapnetwork.org, or call 877-762-7432.
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Dear Amy: I am not in love with my husband. As a result of this I keep looking for love outside of the marriage. I have dated a lot of guys online on the grounds that I am looking for happiness.
The last person I met online seems really nice but recently has constant demands and money problems. I really do love him, but I don’t want to be responsible for his financial situation.
As for my husband, he is a nice man but I just don’t feel the way he feels and don’t know how to talk to him about my feelings.
Please tell me what to do. I feel so depressed and guilty.
– Looking for Love
Dear Looking: Because you don’t seem inclined to do the right thing for your husband’s sake, perhaps you should do the right thing for your own sake. The way to stop feeling depressed and guilty is to stop behaving in a way that brings on your depression and guilt.
Like the song says, you are “looking for love in all the wrong places” and exposing yourself and your husband to a world of hurt. Until you change your behavior and then decide to be honest about it, you will never discover that love in its many forms requires honesty, hard work and the willingness to behave differently.
A marriage counselor can help the two of you sort this out, but only if you are willing to be honest and open to the process.
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