Dear Eric: I have been going to the same massage therapist for about 15 years. I first met them at a nationwide chain massage company and then followed them to a boutique massage business before they moved private services to their house.
They have the same setup at home as a traditional massage company, with all the bells and whistles, in a dedicated room. They live alone. My appointments have been at their house for about 12 years, and we obviously have gotten to know each other as somewhat friends over these years. They are an excellent, skilled massage therapist and I value their abilities.
My issue is that over the years, my massage therapist has started talking to me more and more during the massage session and occasionally talks to me the entire session. To get me talking, they ask questions that I feel rude not answering. Sometimes the questions relate to the massage itself, like inquiries about body parts that I’d hurt previously. This conversation feels integral to the treatment but interrupt the experience.
But topics also veer off to the mundane. I have tried starting my sessions by saying I’m tired and would like to just quietly drift off mentally hoping they get the clue. But that seems to only last about 10-15 minutes before they ask something again. I’ve tried one-word answers or a mumble.
I know I am still getting the physical benefits of the massage, but I am missing the mental benefits since I sometimes can’t even recall afterwards if they even massaged a certain body part because I was mentally invested in the conversation. Since this has incrementally ramped up over 15 years, I don’t know how to tell them I need critical questions/comments only without hurting their feelings.
— Need To Drift Off
Dear Need: In every business or personal relationship, especially in a longstanding relationship, itap important to be heard. And if you’re not being heard, itap important to point that out and ask the other person to make a change.
I understand your desire to keep from hurting your massage therapist. But you’re simply asking for a change, not insulting their behavior, so their feelings have to be their responsibility as long as you’re communicating fairly and with kindness.
Before your next massage, talk to your therapist about your concerns and the pattern you’ve noticed. Explain that you really need to have a silent massage and ask if this is something they can do. If they say yes and then talk through the massage, you’ll remind them that you had an agreement. If they still can’t keep to it, you may need to move on.
I’m presuming that you’re paying for these services. It can be awkward when friendship and transactions meet, but if you’re not direct about this, itap going to further fester into resentment and frustration.
Dear Eric: I’ve got a friend who is in her early 50s and has never dated. She lives with her sister who is getting married in a few months. The sister confided with me that she fears my friend will spiral downward when the sister moves out. My friend has nobody outside me and her sister. She works remotely, so she doesn’t go out much. Next month is her birthday and we are trying to motivate her to date but having no such luck.
— At a Loss As to What to Do
Dear At a Loss: Start by talking to your friend and asking her what she wants. Dating may not be the answer. Itap better to talk to her about your concerns and ask if she shares them. Itap possible that she doesn’t. Itap also possible that she will welcome a chance to process this change in her life and would like some help thinking through how she will establish new rhythms and manage her time.
Be clear but judicious about the language you use. “Spiral downward” can mean a lot of things and you don’t want the intention to get lost in semantics. It might be easier to say something like “Your sister’s move is a big change, and I worry that you’ll be lonely or depressed without her. I would feel the same way, and I’d like to be a support, if you’ll let me. Has the change been something you’ve thought about, too?”
Frankly, establishing and building platonic relationships is likely going to be much more fruitful than dating, as will exploring hobbies and interests. Dating can be great, but it can also be emotionally fraught and taxing, especially if one isn’t particularly inclined to do it. Itap also always dangerous to use romantic relationships as an antidote to internal challenges. If your friend is lonely or struggling to establish her identity without her sister living in the house, time with friends and time intentionally getting to know herself will be more productive.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on and sign up for his weekly newsletter at .)
