Let’s face it – sometimes Dad gets a bad rap.
He works too much and participates too little.
He’s a mystery who leaves the house, but nobody really knows what he does.
He’s distant, uninterested and awkward – suddenly unsure about kisses and hugs that came unconditionally before his son grew underarm hair and his daughter wore a training bra.
Dads, don’t disconnect emotionally. Experts say teenagers need their fathers now more than ever because they are just years away from either limping or soaring into adult independence.
Sociologists say teens experience “father hunger,” yearning both for their dad’s attention as well as his confirmation of who they are becoming – even if they don’t show it. And his shared experiences reassure his children that someone else has been through it all before.
Dads must learn how to read between the silences when a teenager slams the bedroom door in his face.
“It’s gonna hurt like hell when they do that, but just because your feelings get hurt doesn’t mean you can take your ball and go home. Hang in there,” says Joe Kelly, president of the national advocacy group Dads and Daughters.
“Fathers and stepfathers have this huge influence, especially at that age,” says Kelly. “We are setting a standard for our children of what it means to be a man and a partner.”
There’s a big push right now among parenting agencies to alert dads that their assistance is needed during adolescence, says Richard Gallagher, director of the Parenting Institute at the NYU Child Study Center.
For one thing, there are more single dads out there now than ever before who are parenting alone, ensuring that everything they do or don’t do counts. There were 2 million single dads in 1997, 50 percent more than in 1990 and triple the number in 1980, according to census figures.
The outcome of those parent-child relationships can be particularly telling with daughters, Gallagher adds. Research demonstrates that a girl’s relationship with her father is a training ground for her self-esteem, body image and future romantic relationships.
It’s not that Dad has suddenly become more important than Mom. But during those pivotal developmental years, his traditional role of “provider” must broaden from money to include time, attention, ears and experience, Kelly says.
“At 10, you worry about basic needs, making sure they are fed, clothed,” says Oscar Somoza, father of 17-year-old Melina Somoza. “When they get to be 16 or 17, I would say their needs become more emotion.”
Katy Parr, 15, always has enjoyed a good relationship with her father. As a teen, she relishes her father’s homework assistance, practice driving sessions and advice on how to deal with boys.
But Katy worries that their bond is breaking. His busy job as an environmental lawyer requires a lot of travel, while her new high school buddies, sports and choir practice kept them apart.
“Because of everything I’m doing, somehow I think it’s more of me pulling away from him, but I really don’t want too,” Katy says. “I just wish he were here more so he could go to my games, and I could get his opinions on stuff. When he’s not here, I have no one to play with.”
This push me-pull-me phenomenon is the hallmark of adolescence, for both the kids stuck in it and the parents reacting to it, says Gallagher, who also is an adolescent and child psychologist. Ultimately, everyone is going through a process of determining what is best for independence.
Dads and moms know they have to pull away to give their kids room to grow up. They have to let their children make mistakes and learn how to cope with life’s ups and downs.
“It can be so frightening,” Somoza said. “Every day new concerns come up because of all the different experiences (teens) are having in their lives. Every morning when Melina would drive herself to school, I would hear sirens and start shaking all over.”
Dads want to make sure their kids are serious about life and realistic about achieving goals. They want to know that they are “getting it.”
But then their teenagers start to argue with their parents, rolling their eyes and sucking the teeth to suggest that the adults in their lives are idiots, Gallagher says. And before Dad can be secure in his ability to be a role model and pass on wisdom, nature drops another bomb on him.
One close look at his developing daughter, and Dad is terrified. His son is handsome. Both are now sexual beings, and Dad doesn’t know whether to grab the shotgun when suitors come calling on his daughter, or pat his son on the back. Fathers, as well as their children, are unclear about how much physical contact is appropriate.
At this point, it’s often easier for dads to just bail.
“Fathers more easily than mothers can fall under the impression that parenting is over by the time kids are 12 to 13,” says Gallagher. “He thinks parenting is something that is held in reserve for kids, something that they can rely on or dip into when needed.”
The exact time when males pull back from their sons and daughters is when they need to pull forward and find ways to stay connected, says Larry Lockman, 40, who is raising his stepson, James Turner, 15.
Being open about his setbacks helps Lockman create some solid ground with his son.
“The biggest mistake I’ve ever made that I told my son about was when I took the family car,” says Lockman, “I crashed the car, then I brought it home and parked it in the garage. I lied to them, but when they found out, they made me work to pay for getting the car fixed. James was like, ‘Man, Dad, you did that!”‘
But will Lockman be ready when he finds out what James really needs from him now that he’s a teenager?
“I need him to talk to me more about sex and stuff so, like, when I ever decide to do something, I will know how to do it,” Turner says. “No, that doesn’t mean I’m going to go out and do it just because we talked about it. But I also don’t want him to wait too long do it either. If somebody ends up with a baby or something, then it’s too late.”
And when dads do take the time to reminisce about their youth with their children, don’t just remember the bad stuff either, Kelly warns. Concentrating on the negative is the reason why most dads are so tyrannical when their daughters start dating. All they can remember is what they likely wanted at that age – sex.
“Yeah, let’s admit it, we did have times as teenagers when we did feel that way, but is that the only thing you ever felt or experienced? No way!” Kelly says. “You gotta remember all of it, both good and bad – the important friendships that you had, the wildly raging hormones and the confusion. For daughters, you can become her spy into the world of boys. For sons, it lets them know they aren’t going nuts.”
Staff writer Sheba R. Wheeler can be reached at 303-820-1283 or swheeler@denverpost.com.
…
You’re a teen, and you really want to talk with your dad.
What do you say? What do you want him to know?
We asked four young people and got some provocative answers. Then we talked to their fathers.
Separately.
Until today, neither the teen nor dear ol’ Dad knew what the other had to say. …
Melina Somoza, 17
“I think what I need most is his trust. If I say I’m going to go out and be with my friends, it doesn’t mean I’m going to end up doing something bad or do anything else other than what I said I would do. My dad doesn’t seem to worry when my brothers go out. Dads don’t think anything will happen to the boys. Boys are given more freedom than girls, and they can stay out for as long as they want. But fathers pull back more on the girls, and that’s not fair. They say, ‘You can’t go out. You are my little girl.”‘
Oscar Somoza, 56
“I would like to be a role model for them to get an education. It’s important to have because it will give them an additional side to their character to be able to function in society and get ahead. I have struggled quite a bit to become what I am today. I am the first one in my family to attend college. My mother finished third grade, and my father finished second grade, but they were real encouraging for all of us to continue with our education.”
Moises Manuel Munoz, 18
“It is as if I get so caught up in the chaos of searching for myself, I forget where I came from, my roots. My family has a history, much like every family, and as of now I thirst for the information that my school history textbook cannot tell me. I would ask my father to every now and then remind or provide a brief history lesson about the intricacies of my family tree. Remind me that I am a part of a long-standing family and culture. The more I learn about my Mexican heritage and the individuals who have shaped the Latin culture, I find myself inspired.”
Moises Jose Munoz, 42
“I don’t want Moises to ever lose his heart. He has a big heart, and he’s very caring. Don’t get hard inside. I volunteer with troubled youth, and I coach kids. I see it every day. Life can be hard for teenagers. You can see the hardness in some of these kids where you know that life was not treating them good. With this transition he’s going through (being open about being gay) and his choice of lifestyle, it’s going to be hard for him. No matter what he goes through in life, I just don’t want him to lose his goodness.”
Cat Greene, 15
“I want my Dad to be there and to care. I want him to act like he cares about what I’m doing, to come down and talk to me. Don’t just come home from work and be in your bad mood because work sucks, and then go hide down in your office … And when I do talk to him, sometimes he just blows it off or he doesn’t let you finish before he interjects his opinion before he even knows what you are talking about.”
David Greene, 56
“I want her to learn that a lot of what’s important in the external world has to do with the effort you put into things, not just the results. I’m not so much interested in the grade as much as I am in the efforts she puts into it. I want her to think real hard and use judgment about how she’s going, not just where she wants to go. It’s particularly important for teens in this age because they start to have a lot of freedoms they haven’t had before. They need reminders to understand their actions, to know that integrity is key.”
James Turner, 15
“I like need for him to talk to me and talk to me about sex and stuff so like when I ever decide to do something, like how do I do this? I will already know how to do it. Nobody ever told me about this before. I’m ready for that talk. I just don’t want him to wait too long. I don’t want him to be scared. I don’t want him to think, ‘if I tell him how to do this, he will go out and do it.’ There’s no need to wait until something comes up and he thinks it’s the right time to talk about it. That time may never come up. Then, it’s too late and somebody would end up with a baby or something. You should just come right out and talk about sex.”
Larry Lockman, 40
“I’m striving to be a positive black male father in his life. There’s a lot of things I don’t do that I used to do in the past. You know how most fathers drink, smoke or party? Well, I don’t do any of that stuff anymore. I don’t want to give mixed messages. I’m trying to prepare him to be a strong black male so he can make the right choices and good decisions. Some say black men aren’t taught that at home. Well, it’s taught in this one. I just gotta keep talking to him, telling him what’s right and wrong so he will stay focused. It’s easy to get off track with peer pressure and all. I tell him I know how it is because I was a teenager too, although you may not realize it.”
– Post photos by Cyrus McCrimmon, Helen Richardson, Meg Loucks
