Dear Amy: I am a part-time, stay-at-home mom with a 1-year-old daughter. My husband works full time and loves to golf on the weekends. He usually goes golfing all day Saturday. This wasn’t a problem until our daughter came along.
I have expressed to him many times how I really need his help with our daughter on the weekends, and to be honest, I really just enjoy having him home to talk to! We worked out a plan where he could golf every other Saturday, which I thought was more than fair. But now that golf season has come around, he seems to be backing out of our deal.
He gives me a lot of grief about how this is his only escape and that I should let him have his fun because he works all week.
I love my daughter, but I need a break sometimes too! Plus, I feel that she is missing out on daddy time and family time together.
This is becoming a big source of stress in our relationship.
-Mad Mommy
Dear Mommy: This situation cries out for a compromise. Some families I know work this out by making sure that both parents get some alone time – unstructured time when they can do as they please.
You and your husband also need time together, with just the two of you, and I hope that you make sure you get a sitter occasionally so you can enjoy a night out. According to Susan Heitler, a marriage and family therapist and author of “The Power of Two: Secrets of a Strong & Loving Marriage,” couples need 15 hours a week as a couple (not in the presence of their children), to have a strong marriage.
Your husband has unilaterally decided that he needs to “escape” your home and that he will do so, regardless of your feelings – or your previous deal. One way to approach this positively would be to offer him a set number of hours each Saturday (not the entire day), while you take a set number of hours each Sunday.
Some alone time with your daughter, where you aren’t around to direct the action, could be just the thing your husband needs to become a more confident and involved father.
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Dear Amy: I’m writing to respond to a letter from a freshman girl who didn’t know what to do about the unpopular girl in gym class who wanted to be her friend. You gave her great advice, but failed to address the issue of the other girl’s “lack of personal hygiene.” In my early teens, I had no idea about deodorant and other hygiene tasks that come with puberty because my mother, an aging hippie, does not use them. It took a holiday visit to my father’s at age 13 and some kind words from his second wife to teach me. We bought deodorant, razors, nail-care products, etc. Then we had a “girls’ night,” kicked my dad and brother out of the house and she, my younger half-sister and I spent the evening with facials, manicures, shaving and hairstyles.
I hope this teen can summon up the courage to speak with this other girl discreetly, but if not, I suggest speaking with an adult whom both girls know, like their gym teacher or a counselor. They will know what to do.
-A Former Stinker in Calif.
Dear Former Stinker: I have heard from dozens of readers who have told me similar stories concerning their own personal hygiene epiphanies. Thank you so much for the suggestion.
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