Q: Hi Scott,
It’s me, the worried mom of three.
The last time I wrote, you gave me such good advice that I decided to write back. Well, here it goes.
My ex is still acting very immature, but let me tell you, it’s not for the other woman anymore. Now it’s because I’ve taken him to court for child support.
After a year without any help from this man, I am finally receiving what my children deserve.
Here’s the problem: he’s making our children feel bad for it. He’s telling them that he can no longer see them like he used to because “their mom is robbing him.” In the last week he has totally cut them off.
I feel really bad because they feel as though he doesn’t love them. I’ve tried to reassure them that he does and everything will be OK.
I think he’s doing it to hurt me, which it does, but only because I feel their pain. You don’t know how badly I want to call him and tell him off, but I won’t, because I know it will only make him more stubborn.
I’m still working on the divorce, but it’s been hard to pay for it when I’m still trying to catch up on so many bills.
Do you have any suggestions on what I should say to my sorry EX and what I can do to ease my children’s pain?
Thanks,
– MOM
SCOTT: Dear Mom,
You want to shelter and protect your children from harm, but what about when they’re being harmed by the other parent?
And what could be lower than using kids as pawns in a divorce? Not much.
Seriously, using them as financial weapons against their mother isn’t exactly going to benefit anyone involved, including your ex. Kids are very observant, and he’s not fooling anyone.
So I consulted author and divorced parent Patricia Heran, and this is what she says: “The best thing Mom can do for her children (and for herself, because they need her to focus on them – not making excuses for their father) is to allow her ex to take responsibility for his own actions and explain to her kids that she can only speak for herself and/or tell them what she knows to be true.
“It will not help the children to involve herself in trying to make excuses for their father ‘cutting them off’ or his inappropriate statements about their mother. It’s not her job to make everything ‘OK’ for her children in regard to their relationship with their father, and one lie will lead to another.
“She will find herself making excuses and misrepresenting the truth about their father and her own situation for the rest of their lives, a truly miserable existence. An unhappy marriage and ugly divorce meet anyone’s misery quota for a lifetime.
“So, worried mom of three should: 1) Not say anything to or about her ex-husband and 2) Ease her children’s pain by sticking to #1 and spend time just being with the kids. Watch TV together cuddled up on the sofa, go to the park or to the library together, etc.
“A treasure for any child is the experience of shared time with a relaxed and happy parent (so yes, if you’re exhausted, it’s fine to watch a favorite TV program together or play video games — you are still a good parent, in fact you are a great parent!)”
Thanks, Patricia!
And as I said earlier, he’s not fooling anyone with his manipulative behavior, so just when it all seems overwhelming to you, take a deep breath and know that one day the kids will be grown and he will have to answer to them!