With bombs bursting in air in Iraq, American television salutes Independence Day with programming that ranges from patriotic to puerile.
Traditional offerings for the Fourth include a Boston Pops concert on CBS, Macy’s fireworks display on NBC, a salute to the military at Washington’s Ford’s Theatre on ABC, the Beach Boys on the lawn of the U.S. Capitol on PBS and Coney Island’s annual Nathan’s hot-dog-eating contest on ESPN.
But those seeking an embarrassing red, white and blue holiday extravaganza can tune in ABC’s “Nick & Jessica’s Tour of Duty,” at 7 p.m. Monday on KMGH-Channel 7.
That’s right: Married pop stars Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson, famous for being famous, hook up with the military and do their darndest to divert the troops. This vapid response team doesn’t spend a lot of time in amputee wards, but they do venture to Iraq.
America’s reliance on reality TV for titillation now extends to relying on reality TV to provide entertainment on one of our most resonant national holidays. ABC could not even be bothered to come up with an original program – this one’s a rerun from May.
TV has elevated the toothy pair to the status of supposedly meaningful patriotic unifiers. They carry the flag abroad, as if they are bona-fide national figures rather than a media concoction, America’s singing emissaries to the world.
The couple who live to see themselves on television are out of their league in bringing their special brand of specialness to the young people in uniform.
This is what passes for an authentic heartwarming entertainment experience.
Packaged as “America’s sweethearts,” Nick and Jessica are the pop artists best known from their MTV series “Newlyweds.” More precisely, their marital spats, intimacies, slightly titillating sketches, teasing and lightly scripted on-camera moments are well known to a certain demographic group that’s ripe for advertisers.
Nick and Jessica are the antithesis of Bob Hope. He was a time-tested vaudevillian who worked his way up, tirelessly entertaining for years in every medium, learning how to make audiences laugh long before he gained fame and began a decades-long run of entertaining troops.
Nick and Jessica are more like the not-so-talented pretty girls Hope always brought along as eye candy. Their talent lies in their being famous faces from the crowded ranks of newly minted celebrities. Perhaps they confer on every serviceman and -woman in the audience a sense of belonging.
Feel the love: There are Nick and Jess waving to 6,000 troops at the Ramstein Air Base in Germany; there they are, stopping over in Tikrit, Iraq.
Willie Nelson, Jimmy Kimmel, country music group Big and Rich, and R&B performer Brian McKnight join the “Tour of Duty.”
Feel the pain: A highlight of the two-hour show is Nick and Jessica doing a rendition of “Thanks for the Memories” in honor of Hope’s years of entertaining American troops.
This war business provides a great backdrop for the intrepid, dream-chasing couple. The U.S. armed forces helped choreograph rousing adventures for the camera. Nick trains to fly an F-16 fighter jet and goes for a ride, while Jessica learns to shoot various weapons provided by the military.
The couple visit injured soldiers to thank them for their sacrifice. They sign autographs.
According to ABC, “Their trip is extended a bit due to mortar fire and a sandstorm, but all return safely from this experience of a lifetime.” Would that the troops they visit could.
“N&J” have done tremendous business for ABC. In April 2004, “The Nick & Jessica Variety Hour” snared more than 11 million viewers; their Christmas show scored more than 12 million viewers. If this Fourth of July gig does as well, expect more of the same.
The earlier Nick and Jessica shows were unremarkable, save for her yammering about whether Chicken of the Sea is chicken and declining Buffalo wings on the grounds that she doesn’t eat buffalo. But a Nick-and-Jessica air kiss to troops during wartime? What a country.
Hope’s USO shows were huge events. It’s a time-honored convention, celebrities venturing into the real world where real people are fighting and dying. The wars are still big. It’s the celebrities who got smaller.
TV critic Joanne Ostrow can be reached at 303-820-1830 or jostrow@denverpost.com.
