Q: Even though I’m no longer living in Colorado, I still love reading your
column. I have an etiquette question that I thought you might find
interesting.
The summer after graduating high school, two friends and I visited our
friend Julie in Florida and stayed with her parents for a week.
The four of
us ate out most nights (paying for ourselves, of course), but her parents
made a nice dinner for us one night. Well, just as the meal was finishing
up, her parents announced that since they had prepared the dinner, we were
in charge of cleaning it up.
Scott, we were polite kids and wouldn’t have hesitated to offer to help
after dinner — but we didn’t get a chance. It certainly felt odd doing
someone’s dishes and wrapping up their leftovers (really, they left us ALL
the clean-up) while they went in the other room and watched TV.
However,
being the polite teenagers that we were, we didn’t say anything.
Fast forward five years, and Julie is now married (somewhat unhappily) and
living in Hawaii. One of the conflicts in her marriage, she told me, is
that she doesn’t get along with her in-laws.
She gave me an example (and I
bet you can see where this is going). They came out to visit, Julie and her
husband made a nice dinner, and Julie told her in-laws that they were in
charge of cleaning up after. She was surprised that they seemed offended.
I guess this is a two-part question.
Scott, am I being snobby in thinking
that is rude to tell your guests to do your dishes? And, if Julie’s
etiquette is lacking, should I tell her before she offends more houseguests?
Thanks, Scott!
– Suzanne
SCOTT: Hi Suzanne. If you want my opinion (and I know you do), I wasn’t offended at
all when I read about Julie’s parents asking you to clean up when you
visited them in Florida.
You guys were still teenagers and somehow that
seems to make a difference.
But when I read that Julie told her in-laws
they would be in charge of cleaning up, I cringed. Boy, that Julie sure is
nervy!
One could only speculate where she learned her etiquette. Rigghht!
It was wrong of her to tell them to do the dishes. No wonder they don’t get
along very well.
But that’s Julie’s problem, not yours. We all know she was
brought up this way but still, you don’t want to offend her and cause
problems in your own relationship with her, so let her figure it out on her
own.
However, if you ever go visit Julie, make sure to enjoy your meals out.
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