Q: Dear Scott,
I am having a hard time with a college friend of mine (let’s call her Abby).
Most of the time, she just makes it difficult to be friends with her. She is
not always fun and easygoing and is not someone I like spending a lot of
time with.
The background is that I have five roommates from college, and four of them I have
know since our freshman year. During our junior year, Abby moved in with us
to fill a vacancy in our house.
We all get along incredibly well and are so very close, but Abby can’t seem to get over the fact that we knew each other
before we met her.
We graduated from college five years ago, and we live in five different states and do not see each other often. When we do get together
and talk about the college days, she continues to make comments like “well, I
wouldn’t know that because that was before my time.”
I will admit that I
have a closer relationship to the four other roommates than I do to Abby and if
Abby was not my housemate for two years, I may not still keep in touch with
her.
But over the two years we lived together and the seven years I have known
her, we have had a great time and all made memories together. I know that
she has low self-esteem, which does not help the fact that she is jealous of
the relationship the other girls have with each other. But it becomes
irritating and uncomfortable when we are around her and she makes these
little comments (or even through a phone conversation).
The other annoying habit she has is only talking about herself (and the girl
can talk — it can be painful!). Abby is well-meaning and a good person, but
it is exhausting when you talk to her, because you hear every minute detail
of her life and she never asks about you.
One time she caught herself and
said, “I have been talking the whole time, what is going on with you?” I said
one sentence about work and she jumped right in and turned it back to how
work had been a nightmare for her lately. But that is typical with her.
Do you understand what I mean when I say she can be hard to be friends with? I don’t feel like I can bring any of this up without hurting her feelings, and because we don’t see her often I don’t think it is worth it. I know my
other four college friends feel the same about her and Abby considers us some of her best friends. I am just confused weather I should bite my tongue and try to be a good friend to her?
Is it worth it?
– Friend Trouble
SCOTT: We all have a Debbie Downer in our lives. And you don’t need me to tell you
that Abby is an insecure “me” person. “It’s all about ME” — “Me-Me-Me-Me-Me.”
Ugh.
I have a friend strikingly similar to “Abby,” and we’ll call her “Jennifer”
since that’s her name (sorry Jennifer!). She’s a sly one, that
Jennifer.
She’ll be really sneaky and start the conversion with “So, what’s
been going on with you?,” and it doesn’t matter what your response is — you
can say you were attacked by vampire bats last night — and Jennifer
skillfully manages to bring it back to her. She’s either also been attacked
by vampire bats or her mom or someone was also attacked.
It gives Jennifer yet another opportunity to hear herself talk and for the rest of us, it only
adds to the exhausting task of being her friend. There. I said it.
Oh, one other thing. If you act disinterested or withdrawn from Jennifer, she will
say “Is there something wrong?” and snap you back into place. She’s good.
Sounds like Abby, right?
Friendships are supposed to be a balance, but some friends don’t get that and
we’re just stuck with them. Should you dump Abby because she annoys you? No.
But you also shouldn’t feel like you have to walk on eggshells around her
just because she has low self-esteem.
In fact, don’t change a thing. You
said you have a good time with her, so take that for what it’s worth. At
least you don’t have to spend too much time with her.
Enjoy your memories
together, because my guess is, this is one college relationship that will
eventually fade away.