Q: Hi Scott,
I love your column, and have been tempted to write several times but have put
it off until now.
My issue is a common one, the dreaded ex-wife. My
live-in love of five years has a 6-year-old daughter, and has committed to his ex-wife to be there to raise her together. She has become a well-adjusted,
bright little individual who I look forward to watching grow into a
productive member of society.
My issue is clearly with his ex-wife, who for
whatever reason seems to feel she should have control over his time with his
daughter (two evenings per week and every other weekend).
Too many instances to count, she has called (or had his daughter call) to
change plans when we have her for the weekend. The last
straw for me was on father’s day, when she had his daughter call at the last
minute to invite him to an exclusive lunch with the three of them.
I don’t feel
it’s appropriate to put his daughter into the middle of this. We had plans
to go swimming and a picnic, and as a young girl, I’m sure she was very
excited about it but was manipulated by her mother into changing the plan to
include the three of them having lunch together.
This was inappropriate, but he
(reluctantly) agreed to this, because he didn’t want to deny his daughter of
her request. But he noticed that she got very upset in the course of this phone
call and started crying (from frustration).
The ex then called back three hours
later to change the plan back to her coming over for a swim. I believe his
daughter became upset because all along she wanted to come over and swim but
was railroaded into the lunch invitation.
She is old enough now to realize
when things aren’t “right,” but not old enough to know what to do about it.
The day is coming soon when she will be able to speak up for herself, and I will cherish
that day when it comes.
My question is this:
How can we effectively communicate to the ex that she is not a part of the
equation at our house, and whereas we are willing to compromise on many
things, she simply cannot call on a whim to change plans on the weekends
he has with his daughter?
This has happened many times, and I would have no
problem letting her know where she stands, but feel it’s really not my place
and do not want to cause discord between the households. I feel it must be
very confusing for his daughter, having mixed messages regarding the
relationship between her mom and dad.
He and I have a very stable life and
I feel she needs to understand that her mom’s home is separate from her dad’s
and my home but that we all love her very much and will always be there for
her.
Thanks for your advice…
-Frustrated but committed to a solution
SCOTT: Well, leave it to the ex-wife to throw a wrench in the plans. Really. What
else is new?
She’s just flexing her muscle for all to see and there’s just
that tiny little part of her that takes pleasure in knowing she can
manipulate everyone’s plans. It’s a total control thing.
On a positive note, the daughter will soon be old enough to have more
influence on her plans. Until then, unfortunately, there isn’t much you can
do.
You want to stay on the best terms possible because if you’re not, the
daughter will undoubtedly be affected.
Also, take comfort in knowing you’re
not alone. Malicious Mother Syndrome – e.g., using kids as weapons and
denying uninterrupted visitation with the father – is common. If she keeps
it up, some mediation could be necessary.
And let’s not forget that your husband has the same rights as the mother,
although it may not always appear to be the case. And don’t let the mother
know that you’re frustrated, because that’s what she wants.
And whatever you do, don’t play her game, because she wants that too.