Q: Scott,
I have a confusing and difficult situation. A little over a year ago, I became involved with an amazing girl that at the time was a co-worker.
It started as a friendship, and we both knew an attraction was there. However, she lived with her boyfriend — they had moved from Kansas a few months prior. Well, eventually one night we kissed, nothing more.
Her boyfriend found out, although she would have told him, and he moved out and they broke up. Our relationship progressed fairly quickly, with one of us spending the night at the other’s almost nightly.
Four months in, she decided it was too much too quick, and we broke up for about a month. We then got back together and became extremely close, saying “I love you” and all.
We were considering moving in together when she got a job offer back in Lawrence, Kansas, that was too good to pass up. We have been doing the LDR thing since May; she has been trying to get me to move there. However, all my friends and family as well as well paying job are here in Denver.
She is worth it, though. She is in my mind, just about the perfect girl. I am burned-out on my job here, so leaving is not that difficult. I would miss my family, and friends. But I am tired of the partying lifestyle and would not mind sitting at home with the girl I love.
Here is the problem: the LDR has become very stressful.
Phone conversations over the last few weeks have become more of a chore. She had begun acting strange, not calling to say goodnight and good morning. Yesterday, after not hearing from her all the night before and all morning after, I called several times, and I finally got her to admit something was up.
She said she hates this situation and is not sure if she still loves me and wants me to move there.
She is not sure why she has begun feeling this way. She thinks it may just be the stress of the LDR, but she is just not sure. I know I love her and am finally at the point where I’m ready to move there.
We decided it would be best not to talk for a few days so she can get things figured out. I told her I would not call her, and she can call me when she is ready to talk.
When she does call back, I am not sure what she will say and how I should react. I told her that I am not moving there unless she is sure she loves me and wants to live with me.
Should I even consider this after what I will be giving up to move there, and her state of mind? Your thoughts would be appreciated.
– Mr. Confused
SCOTT: I’m more than happy to share my thoughts with you.
First of all, I agree with you that you shouldn’t make the big change and move for a woman who’s not sure about you. That’s a definite.
But have you thought about going to visit her in Kansas first to see if it’s somewhere you could be happy? Have you checked out the job market and availability of jobs in your industry?
I have an old friend who fell in love and moved to another country to be with a guy she fell in love with one summer. Sounds romantic, right?
Well, once she got there, she hated the country, couldn’t work and had nothing to do but sit around and read magazines all day. That got old really quick and she spent the next six months planning her return.
Our phone bills were out of control and, come to think of it, she probably should’ve reimbursed me for mine since I’m the one who warned her not to go in the first place.
Anyway, see what your girlfriend says when you start talking again. If she decides she is sure about wanting to be with you, make a trip to visit her first, check out the jobs, etc. and determine if you can see yourself living there.
If so, then bon voyage! Oh but if you do leave, you have to promise to still read my column, ok? Gotta love the Internet!