Q: Scott,
I think I’ve gotten myself into some real trouble. I met someone at work who happens to be handsome, funny, intelligent and very sweet. He’s pretty much everything I’ve never had.
Here’s the dilemma – we are both currently involved with other people. He is married and I am engaged.
I know, it sounds horrible.
We are both in semi-abusive relationships and neither one of us is very happy in our respective relationships. He has made many sacrifices for his wife, yet she seems very bitter and negative about everything.
She doesn’t want children, he does. He likes to talk out their problems, she likes to throw and break things. He has told me that he has tried everything to make it work, yet nothing has improved their relationship.
As for me, I have been with my fiancé for about 19 months. Everything was great in the beginning, but I honestly believe he has bi-polar disorder, and it is very hard to deal with. One minute, he’ll be hugging me and telling me how beautiful I am, and the next he is verbally abusing and belittling me.
He has said and done some very hurtful things. I have been very tempted to leave, but it ends up being too hard for me to do. Deep down, I really do love my fiancé. I really do. But I deserve to be treated better, and he hasn’t changed any.
OK, back to me and the married guy.
Last night we went out and had a great time. We have this amazing connection that I don’t think I have ever felt before.
We ended up kissing a few times, but nothing more. We are very attracted to each other, but we’re both very hesitant to take this “relationship” to the next level.
My conscience won’t allow me to. I would never cheat on my fiancé (or so I thought) and I definitely would never sleep with a married man.
We both know that we need to end our current relationships, but it’s complicated and difficult.
Scott, I just don’t know what to think or do. Am I doing something terribly foolish? Or should we both take the initiative in ending our relationships and see where this takes us?
Please help!
SCOTT: Oh, this does sound bad. In fact, it’s a disaster in the making, and the longer you go with it, the more complex it will become. Trust me.
There are two issues here: 1) your abusive relationship with your fiancé and 2) your (almost) affair with a married man.
Both need to be dealt with separately. If your fiancé does indeed have undiagnosed bipolar disorder, then it has to be diagnosed and treated so he can get a grip on himself; that’s a definite must if you’re going to stay together.
Otherwise you need to end that unhealthy relationship regardless of if there’s someone waiting in the wings for you.
If I can discourage you at all from getting involved with the married guy, then I will be saving you from going down the path of misery. You’re just two people stuck in unhappy relationships, but since you can’t get the happiness from your mates, you’re looking outside for that happiness.
In a way, it makes sense because we all want to be in happy, healthy relationships. But what price are we willing to pay to get it? Lying and cheating is not the way to attain that happiness, so it’s senseless to pursue this route.
The bottom line: If you’re not first willing to leave your current relationships, then don’t get involved with each other at all. It’s not worth it.
If you choose to make the mistake so many others do anyway, it’s easy to see why: misery loves company.