Q: We are expecting a new baby in a few months. How can we help our 4-year-old daughter accept this newcomer? We want her to enjoy her new sibling and not feel displaced. She talks a lot about “her new baby,” but we’ve been given all sorts of advice, from letting her be present at the delivery to not letting her hold the baby. How do you prepare a child?
– J.G.
A: Your daughter’s presence at delivery is certainly not critical to her acceptance of the baby. When you go to the hospital to deliver the baby, the focus should be on your comfort and needs above all else.
Don’t oversell the immediate advantages of a new sibling. Explain that for the first several weeks babies just sleep, eat and sometimes cry. Tell her that it will be quite a while before the new baby is old enough to be a playmate. She can hold the baby as long as you or another adult is there to supervise.
Anticipate that your daughter will have conflicting feelings about her sibling. She will abruptly be placed in the position of competing for your attention. Anger and frustration about this fact are normal, and it will help your daughter if you accept any comment or show of jealousy calmly.
Arrange for special time alone with your daughter after the baby comes. Suggest to family members that they bring your daughter a gift when they bring one for the baby.
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Q: Our 12-year-old son was caught taking candy and a magazine from the neighborhood market. The manager called us and asked us to come and get him. He has never done anything like this before. My husband and I disagreed on how to punish him. He says we should take his bicycle away for a month. I am not sure what to do. How do you teach a child not to steal?
A: Tell your son how strongly you feel about respecting property rights. Teach him the rule, “We don’t take things that belong to someone else.” Explain that it is very important to build a reputation for being an honest person.
Don’t take his bicycle away, because you will be violating the very rule you are trying to teach. Make him earn money to repay the store for the items he took. Have him write a letter of apology to the manager and deliver it and the money in person.
In addition to repaying the store, ground him or have him work eight hours of special-duty assignments. He needs to know that he will have to pay a penalty for violating this rule.
Penalties do not need to be harsh to be effective, but they should be assigned as promptly as possible. Penalties reinforce the rule you are teaching and help your son expiate his guilt. This process allows him a way to regain the sense of being a good citizen.
Write Cathleen Brown, care of The Denver Post, 1560 Broadway, Denver, CO 80202, or e-mail her at CABrown500@yahoo.com.
