Thursday, Sept. 22
7 p.m. “Everybody Hates Chris”
Chris Rock narrates a fictionalized version of his childhood and how being relentlessly bullied at school led to a lucrative career in comedy. Your results may vary. Ours did. UPN
7 p.m. “NY Fashion Week Special”
Find out what you won’t be wearing next year. e! style
8 p.m. “The Apprentice”
A new season introduces us to a new cast of contestants vying for minor demonhood in Donald Trump’s elaborate plan to secure a market position in the coming apocalypse. NBC
8 p.m. “CSI: Crime Scene Investigation”
The season premiere comes right out of the gate with a stripper plot. We usually don’t see the stripper plot until the November sweeps. This could be a sign producers are worried about waning viewer interest. If they introduce a cute alien sidekick or a precocious 5-year-old, you’ll know they are in trouble. CBS
8 p.m. “Dancing with the Stars”
Tonight we learn the winner in the “dance-off” between contestants Kelly Monaco and John O’Hurley. The winner gets a contract to provide dance lessons at a retirement community. The loser also gets a contract to provide dance lessons at a retirement community, but they have to work weekends. ABC
9 p.m. “COPS Marathon”
After six episodes in a row, your view of humanity may change. Put down the remote. Your 5-year-old is not a “perpetrator.” Your dog is not a “witness to the crime.” FX
9 p.m. “Criminal Minds”
In this new show, criminal behaviorists try to divine the motivations and disorders of depraved criminals. We do the same thing every four years, at election time. CBS