Q: I have a problem I’ve never read about in advice columns. It involves a lady I met three months ago. This woman is kind, loving and beautiful, and my family loves her. She is definitely someone I could see raising children with, and we have discussed marriage.
The problem is her Santeria, a faith she brought with her from New York when she moved to Houston. Mis amigos, I must tell you that her religion amounts to voodoo for me. My sister urges tolerance, but we were raised devout Catholics, and I can’t help but think that her beliefs are a perversion of mine. Sometimes she laughs at me and says our life together wouldn’t involve blood or sacrificing chickens.
I wish I could think that was funny, but what I’m really thinking about is going to Mass on Sundays with a person not of my faith. More important, what about our children? She won’t give up her Santeria, so where would that leave the household? I am heartsick about this. I don’t want to lose this woman, but our differences in faith seem insurmountable.
Lily: Marital differences can result in turmoil, but they can also enrich the union. Learn more about her religion before you completely dismiss it as voodoo, and teach her about Catholicism as well.
I attend Roman Catholic Mass with my husband and plan to raise our two sons in this faith. My husband is not Catholic, but we agree to disagree. I respect his spirituality, and he respects mine. The two of you can agree to incorporate the aspects of both religions that reinforce your family values, or you can choose to see this difference as a deal breaker.
Whatever you do, do not make her give up her religion. No good can come of it, and she will end up resenting you.
Danny: Opening your mind is certainly one way to test the possibility of a future with your voodoo princess.
There are some perverse, intertwined similarities between Catholicism and Santeria, and it is up to you to figure out whether your faith-based belief system can coexist with hers. Many religious practices fall under the occult heading, and you have as much freedom to denounce them as those other folks have in practicing them.
Chickens and goats aside, you and the lady should give up the notion of marriage and kids at the three-month mark and concentrate on getting to know each other, which is how relationships should progress in real time.
Catherine: Thank you, Danny, for suggesting that the idea of marriage and children should be pushed to the back burner. Actually, any plans should be taken off the stove altogether.
Life is blissful when you find someone you love. All you can hear are wedding bells, and all you can see are the faces of your future children. But your concern is valid because a person’s belief system is his/her core. If you two differ on such a fundamental level, how can you raise a family in true unity?
I echo the advice mis compañeros gave you: Learn about each other’s religions. But beware of surface similarities. For instance, the original Afro-Caribbean slaves who practiced Santería – complete with animal sacrifices, drum incantations and the summoning of spirits – adopted the names of Catholic saints to fool their slave owners who forced them to convert.
Address all issues of faith before you make the lifelong commitment of marriage.
Glossary
Santeria: literally means “Way of the Saints.” Santeria is based on the West African religions brought to the New World by slaves imported to the Caribbean to work the sugar plantations. These slaves carried with them their own religious traditions, including a tradition of possession trance for communicating with the ancestors and deities, the use of animal sacrifice and the practice of sacred drumming and dance.
mis amigos: my friends
mis companeros: my colleagues
We want your questions! Consejos is a bilingual advice column focused on relationships, culture and identity. E-mail your questions or comments to consejos@dallasnews.com. Or send your letters to Consejos, c/o Texas Living, The Dallas Morning News, 508 Young St., Dallas, TX 75202. Visit Lily, Catherine and Danny online at DallasNews.com/consejos.
