Q: My daughter was asked to participate in a friend’s quinceanera several months ago. She agreed but didn’t know what all that might involve. We now find out that she is expected to purchase a dress that costs more than I would ever spend on a dress.
Is it customary to ask the participants to buy matching dresses? The family offered to help pay for the dress if we wanted, but I feel awkward asking them to do that. I am also having a hard time justifying spending so much on a dress that will probably be worn one time. Please advise me on the accepted guidelines for these parties. Is there anything else I should know about?
Catherine: Mixed emotions abound. Your daughter’s friend is honoring her by asking her to be part of the quinceanera but you have to cover the cost of a dress that will never be worn again.
You have three options: Pay for the dress and don’t mention the expense; tell the family that your daughter cannot participate because of the cost, but you sincerely appreciate the invitation; or accept the family’s offer to help with the cost of the dress. In my eyes, this is the optimal solution, but whatever you decide should work out just fine.
Danny: With more than 15 quinceañera experiences under my belt, I am the self-proclaimed “King of Las quinceanera .”
Quinceanera are elaborate productions with big budgets that can often rival weddings. Just like weddings, each participant is expected to pay her/his own way. They are also expected to attend rehearsals on weeknights or weekends to practice the march and the dance; some parents will ask for help making party decorations.
You should also budget for matching shoes, hair, makeup, any “outfit” accessories and a gift. Vestidos range from $75 to $400, while tuxedoes cost $90-$150 (prices may have gone up since my chambelan days).
This event can easily total in the thousands of dollars for the host family and a few hundred for the participants. Ask for an itemized pricing estimate from the parents and never be afraid to respectfully decline participation or seek assistance. Your daughter might have to deal with some backlash, but it will pass.
Lily: Damas always dress alike. Interestingly enough, the tradition of having these female “backups” is quickly becoming a thing of the past, leaving all the attention to the 15- year-old birthday girl herself.
Even though your daughter was responsible for getting the details before she said sì, take comfort in knowing that the host family should pay for the dresses. (In addition, check out my handy tips for surviving quinceañera season.)
And remember to tell your daughter that she can always say no – these events require so much time and effort that it’s customary to accept only when the girls are close friends.
Glossary
quinceañera: the traditional Latino celebration of a girl’s 15th birthday that marks her transition to womanhood; the term is used for both the event and the young lady who is turning 15.
vestidos: dresses
chambelàn: literally, “chamberlain”; the male escorts for the birthday girl and her ladies in waiting
damas: ladies, ladies in waiting
Consejos is a bilingual advice column focused on relationships, culture and identity. E-mail your questions or comments to consejos@dallasnews.com. Or send your letters to Consejos, c/o Texas Living, The Dallas Morning News, 508 Young St., Dallas, TX 75202. Visit Lily, Catherine and Danny online at DallasNews.com/consejos.)
