Q: I have two adorable daughters, 5 and 3. On occasion, when I’m trying to get them to behave, I lose my temper and yell in a voice that surprises even me. This happened recently when my older daughter was teasing her sister and taking her toys. I yelled and sent her to timeout. She began to cry. I feel terrible when I do this. Am I being hard on her? How do you know if you’re expecting too much?
– P.S.
A: Your first priority is to learn to control your temper. Yelling at children is a form of emotional violence. When parents use unnecessarily harsh actions in responding to kids’ behavior it tends to promote aggressiveness in youngsters and remorse in parents. Parents must model the behavior they are attempting to teach.
You were right to stop your daughter’s aggressive actions. Lead her away from the scene. Use a calm but firm voice and state the rule, “You forgot the rules about not taking things that don’t belong to us and about not hurting others.”
Timeout is a good consequence for a 5-year-old’s misdeed, one minute for each year of her age. Time out is not a cure for wrongdoing. Like an infraction in football it signals a rule has been broken and a penalty will be assigned.
You are expecting too much if you think your daughter will not repeat this behavior. Five-year-olds act impulsively, and need a few more years to control their aggression. Use praise and rewards as integral parts of your program in teaching acceptable behavior.
Parents’ yelling or hitting are symptoms of a loss of control. Children feel as if no one is in charge, and rightly so. This frightens them, and crying is often a result.
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Q: I have a 15-year-old daughter from my first marriage who lives with us and a 9-year-old stepdaughter who stays with us every other weekend. My daughter is good to her stepsister and shares her room without complaint. My husband and I frequently go out on weekends and ask my daughter to stay with her stepsister. My daughter says this is “babysitting,” and thinks she should be paid the going rate. Since her stepsister is family, my husband and I don’t think my daughter should be paid.
– M.J.
A: A high priority in blending stepchildren into your family is to support a good relationship between the girls. Paying your daughter to babysit is a simple way to encourage her good feelings.
In doing so, you make your stepdaughter’s visit easier by eliminating the possibility of her feeling as if she is the cause of family conflict. You also reduce any resentful feelings your daughter could have.
Stepchildren have a tough assignment in adjusting to family life in two homes. They often do not think they belong in either family. Decisions you make regarding the girls should be based on what would encourage positive feelings between the two of them.
Write Cathleen Brown care of The Denver Post, 1560 Broadway, Denver, CO 80202 or CABrown500@yahoo.com.
