Dear Amy: My husband and I have been married for more than 15 years and have four children. Our marriage has not always been smooth sailing, but we have tried to work things out for the sake of our children.
Recently, I noticed my husband stepping out of the house when his cellphone rings, so this weekend I confronted him by asking him who was calling. At first, he wouldn’t answer, but he eventually told me he was talking to a woman he played coed softball with this summer.
I could maybe understand this if the season were still going on, but it ended three months ago. Later that morning, I picked up his cellphone and found that this woman has called more than 20 times these past few weeks. My husband also has called her.
This woman has never called our house number and also calls him when I am usually at work. My husband insists she is just an easy person to talk to and nothing is going on.
Even if this is on the up-and-up, I think this is disrespectful and dishonest because it is not in the open. I am also hurt because we both work and it is a struggle to make time for each other.
– Doubting in Connecticut
Dear Doubting: When it comes to opposite-sex friendships with married couples, a basic guideline is that these friendships are all well and good as long as the opposite-sex friend is invited and welcome to come to the house for dinner with the spouse and the kids.
I don’t know what is going on here, but it almost doesn’t matter, because the sneakiness is the most important thing. You must try to get to the bottom of this. Your husband will deny, deny, deny. So use this incident (you can even call it a “misunderstanding”) as a reason to urge your husband to join you for counseling.
It can be hard work to bring up these issues. But counseling has saved many relationships – and can lead to great insight, even when the marriage doesn’t survive. I hope you will go even if your husband refuses.
…
Dear Amy: I am getting married in June to a wonderful man. It will be my second marriage, his first. When I was married the first time, it was a simple affair. We each had one friend, and it was more of a legal occurrence than anything else.
This time around, I am ready to do it right, and my fiancé and I are planning a full-fledged wedding ceremony. We agree on every issue associated with the planning except one.
He insists that when it comes time to cut the cake that we shove the cake into each other’s faces. I think this is horrible! I want to feel beautiful, not messy, and I don’t think this is a great show of love and respect. It seems petty, but it means a whole lot to me.
What do you think?
– Bride-to-be in Virginia
Dear Bride: I am with you. What was intended as a lovely and intimate gesture of a couple daintily feeding each other has turned into an “Animal House” moment at some weddings. Calculated cake-smashing seems hostile to me.
Fortunately, I have a compromise at hand.
Because you don’t like having cake smashed into your face and your fiancé does, the obvious answer is for you to smash cake into his face and for him to leave your face alone.
I certainly hope you can talk him out of his plan.
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