Q I am a blond white woman having trouble communicating with my Spanish boyfriend. Until age 7, he spoke
only Castilian Spanish, like his mother. He speaks perfect English now and was raised in a bilingual Latino-Caucasian culture.
He is authoritative, wants to do things his way, and insists there is nothing wrong with going to the cantina and dancing with other women. “That’s just what we (Latino men) do,” he says, though he differentiates himself as “Spanish” and “white European.”
Though he claims he can’t discuss relationship issues with me, he says he will attend counseling, but only if it is with a middle-aged Castilian woman. I have no problem with this, but I can’t find one!
It could be a cultural gap, or he just might be emotionally unavailable. But I also think he might be making excuses for not participating as an equal partner in a serious relationship. Can you give me some insight into the possible cultural aspects of this situation? Any ideas on finding a counselor?
Lily: Go with your gut – don’t let this machista use his culture as a crutch. What we have here is an individual with intimacy issues. Men in general have a difficult time talking about their feelings. And while there is nothing wrong with dancing at the cantina, there is something wrong with his doing it when he knows it bothers you. It boils down to the basic concept of respeto!
Kudos for attempting counseling as an option. Contact your medical insurance carrier and specify exactly what kind of therapist you want to see. They should be able to give you a list of providers that fit your needs. If he will not go with you, you can always go alone. Use this as an opportunity to learn about yourself and how to deal with him.
Catherine: I love that he used the phrase, “That’s just what we do.” Does he want to adopt all the stereotypes that go along with Latino men? Or only those that are convenient excuses for his disrespectful behavior?
Let’s review the facts: 1. He has a self-appointed license to go dancing with other women. 2. He doesn’t seem to mind that it bothers you. 3. He refuses to communicate about “relationship issues.”
You don’t need a counselor. You need to break up.
Lily suggested you “go with your gut,” but women have unreliable guts sometimes – especially when they are hungry for love. So many women put up with being treated like trash because they believe their man is the best they’ll ever find. There are men out there who truly care about honoring the women they love and show it with a willingness to work through hard relationship issues. Don’t sell yourself short.
Danny: Ladies, ladies, please stop giving this guy any more excuses. He has plenty of his own. There is no cultural aspect to this relationship other than this guy speaks Castilian Spanish (big wow) and uses his Spanish white-European background to justify his actions.
Let’s break it down to simple relationship rules. Machista equals immature male with a sexism problem; no cultural boundary there. Emotionally unavailable means he is just another guy too immature to be in a relationship and unwilling to change. The “Latino lifestyle” that allows him to go dancing and drinking at bars with other women is a big fat lie. He can’t have his cake and eat it too.
This man is way too connected to his inner child and trying to set his own boundaries for this relationship. Forgo the counseling. Instead, establish mutual, respectful guidelines without the cultural nonsense. Your decisions to build a relationship with this guy should not include feeding his male ego.
Glossary
cantina: bar
machista: macho
respeto: respect
Consejos is a bilingual advice column focused on relationships, culture and identity. E-mail href=”mailto:consejos@dallasnews.comconsejos@dallasnews.com or write Consejos, c/o Texas Living, The Dallas Morning News, 508 Young St., Dallas, TX 75202.
